• Ezra "Ace" Caraeff (poorly) feigned outrage after being sent an unsolicited email about soap. Take the hint, ass, and get in the goddamn shower for once in your adult life.
• Sarah Mirk refused to shut the fuck up about garbage.
• Marjorie Skinner: SELLOUT.
• Succeeding in her weekly bid to appear increasingly desperate and/or pathetic, Alison Hallett casually advocated having unsolicited sexual intercourse with fictional children.
• The Mercury's crackwhorish permissiveness regarding drug abuse inspired Erik Henriksen to move his bong away from his Nintendo and in front of his work computer. Portland Police Department: I hereby demand that you raid the squalid Mercury offices immediately.
• Continuing his unwitting impression of that obnoxious Rain Man freak, Ned Lannamann attempted to use the word "forgivable" as many times as humanly possible in a single post. As usual, no one read past his third sentence.
• Courtney Ferguson broke the shocking news that filthy hippies like bullshit music festivals. Excellent reporting, Ms. Ferguson, you unbelievably insipid dolt.
• Come now, Wm. Steven Humphrey: If you're going to go to elaborate lengths to assuage your meager conscience about stealing, perhaps you should steal something worthwhile. Say, a newspaper that's actually worth reading.
I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.
Get the best of the Mercury each week in your inbox!