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Friday, August 12, 2011

Election 2012 Republican Debate Roundup

Posted by Paul Constant on Fri, Aug 12, 2011 at 10:14 AM

There was a debate last night. It was fun. Here's what happened:

Rick Santorum doesn't want gays in America to have rights, but he is deeply concerned about gay rights in Iran.

Tim Pawlenty believes that Michele Bachmann is a do-nothing loser. He also thinks Mitt Romney is a pinko slimeball with a huge lawn. Pawlenty believes he is a weird mixture of Jesus Christ and Spider-Man.

Michele Bachmann took a bathroom break during the first commercial and didn't get back in time. She has about five sentences at her disposal, and when she cycles through all five sentences, she has to go back to the beginning and start over.

Mitt Romney thinks Barack Obama doesn't know anything about jobs because Barack Obama never had a job. (Racist? Probably!) He flip-flops, but it's okay when he flip-flops because he's presidential.

Herman Cain is envious of Michele Bachmann's five sentences. He can't even get through one without sounding like a moron.

If you ask a question of Newt Gingrich, that question will automatically be labeled a "gotcha" question. He spent the whole debate sounding pissed-off, but he also said a couple of things that didn't immediately make liberals want to vomit.

Jon Huntsman, apparently, exists. He believes in civil unions, and he's pretty sensitive about being called a liberal.

Ron Paul's supporters believe that if they sit in the audience of televised debates and shout "RON PAAAAAUL" as loud as they possibly can, Ron Paul will automatically be elected president of the United States.

Everyone is scared shitless of Rick Perry.

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