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Friday, August 12, 2011

SL Letter of the Day: Another Satisfied Customer

Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Aug 12, 2011 at 10:29 AM

I was moved to write this after reading this week's column and your congrats to HINT about the kinky cards.

I'm 23, female, hetero, feminist (in the proper sense of wanting to smash the patriarchy for the good of all, not a man-hater), and switch (I very much enjoy being both dominant and submissive). I am in two relationships, both of which are considered open. One partner lives in London (let's call him L), the other in the same city as me, in Scotland (call him S). They've met numerous times, get along and although the whole PDA thing can be a little awkward at times, we're happy as Larry. Both of them would consider themselves anarchists/ feminists (and not just because they want to get in my pants), and both of them are very happy to indulge in my kinks. L and I have been together since January (friends for the last 3 years); I have known S vaguely for about a year but we started seeing each other since the end of February this year (after an evening of very nice MDMA and watching the sunrise). The relationship with L started on the basis that I was fed up of power struggles in other relationships I'd had—I'd never felt like it was two individuals coming together and enjoying one another, it always had too much of a propping-each-other-up feel. So when I got with S, I explained the relationship and how it worked, and asked him to think long and hard about whether he would be happy being with me, whilst I was with someone else too.

Turns out, he is.

The three of us have, in the few months we've been in this relationship, been through a termination, minor surgery, a car crash, moving house and have even met parents—and I love it. It's open and honest and we're not scared to tell the other person if they're being unreasonable or projecting emotions. Our three sets of parents are also all very supportive and understanding, and there hasn't been a friend or a family member who has been condemning of the relationship.

But back to the kink cards:

L is 33 and the ten year age gap is only positive when it comes to sex: he's experienced, patient, attentive, doesn't get squicked out by anything, and he pushes my boundaries in ways that both surprise and delight me.

S is 23 at the end of this year and is by no means vanilla but... well, he's just a bit nervous about over-stepping the mark. Very early on in our relationship, we discussed turn ons and offs, kinks, pain, restraint, oral, how we like to masturbate etc etc. I was managing to tick his boxes during sex, but felt that something was lacking with mine. So I wrote him a letter! It contained both reasons why I like the mix of pain, restraint and sex, and some brief examples of things I would be perfectly happy for him to do (from holding my wrists above my head during sex, to caning my feet, to tying me down and fucking me just to pleasure himself). I felt that by writing it down, he could read it in his own time and consider it before we discussed it. We ended up discussing it post-coitally after having some of the kinkiest, roughest sex we'd had until then. Essentially, he had wanted to indulge in my kinks but just didn't know where to start, and was worried about doing it wrong.

Long story short: talking is great. More people should do it! (and I have to admit, if it wasn't for being introduced to Savage Love a couple of years ago, I don't think I could be so open and honest to myself about what turns me on, let alone to my partners.)

So, thanks Dan :)

Communication For The Win

You're welcome, CFTW, and thanks for sharing—and here's hoping you and yours are come through the riots in one MDMA-dosed piece.

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