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Kim K Solves the Twitter War, and All Hail, Beyonce—Master of the Universe



Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Aug 17, 2011 at 9:27 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Darkest of night with the moon shinin' bright, there's a set going strong, lotta things goin' on. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

The Feds jump in to help investigate the murder of James Craig Anderson, a black man jumped by white Mississippi teens who are charged with beating him and then running him over with their truck.

A Maryland "flash mob" gathers in a 7-11—and then robs it blind. Hey, you darn kids! You were supposed to be doing the "Thriller" dance!

President Obama is planning an early September speech to announce a new job growing "YES, WE CAN!" plan. (Maybe he shouldn't call it that.)

The President also finally, finally, FINALLY fired back at the GOP, blaming their "ideological rigidity" for our economic woes. (For any Tea Baggers out there, "ideological rigidity" means "dickheadishness.")

The big tobacco companies are suing the FDA for trying to force them to put graphic warnings on their cigarettes, which they say is infringing on their right to kill people.

Wells Fargo bank is flirting with the idea of charging their customers $3 per month for using their debit cards. BUT DON'T WORRY! If you don't use your card, they won't take it! (And will figure out some other way of stealing $3.)

In case you need a story that starts out horrifying, but ends well, check this out.

Hurrah! The French are finally getting fat! ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!

French person and actor Gerard Depardieu urinates on the floor of a plane. "I want this motherfucking Depardieu pee off this motherfucking plane!!"

The Vatican has agreed to allow priests to forgive young people for the sin of abortion. WOW. Even when they're trying to do something nice, they come off looking like dicks.

Clothiers Abercrombie & Fitch are willing to pay Jersey Shore's Situation—NOT to wear their clothes!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous from here to eternity.

And finally, what happens when you elect an 11-year-old girl mayor-for-a-day? WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN??

what-happens-when-you-make-a-12-year-old-mayor-24273-1313591186-3.jpg

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