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Wednesday, August 17, 2011

SL Letter of the Day: A Member of the Wedding

Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Aug 17, 2011 at 10:29 AM

I'm a twenty-nine year old gay guy.

My good lesbian friends have asked me to be their officiant for their upcoming wedding less than three weeks out. I've been close friends with these lesbians for a while but I've known one longer than the other, let's call her Betty. Betty and I share a mutual friend who lives abroad in Switzerland that has returned home for the upcoming wedding, we'll call her Penelope. The other day I made plans with Betty's fiancé, who we'll call Jean, to go suit shopping for the wedding. On this same afternoon I also invited Penelope to join us, it was all very last minute. Betty was at work while this went down. One other important facet of the story is that Betty and Jean have a baby. Anyway, Jean drove so she brought the baby and we picked up Penelope and went suit shopping. Penelope is very close with Betty, they've been friends longer than I've been in the picture. On this day, it was the first time that Penelope had met both Jean and the baby. I didn't think anything of this and there was no awkwardness while we shopped. Fast forward to later that same night and I get a very angry text message from Betty saying she was pissed that I had taken away her opportunity to introduce her wife and child to Penelope. Honestly Dan, I didn't have a malicious intent here. I was trying to be inclusive and I clearly didn't think through Betty's reaction. At this point in the drama Betty has basically disowned me as a friend. Jean has remained silent and Penelope seems just as perplexed as I am over the extent of Betty's anger.

Dan, what do I do? Am I really the world's most thoughtless douche?

Thoughtless Douche

My response after the jump...


Why isn't Betty mad at Jean?

If anyone should've known exactly how important introducing the fucking baby to fucking Penelope was to fucking Betty, TD, it's fucking Jean. Once Jean realized that you'd invited Penelope along on the suit-shopping excursion, TD, Jean should've insisted on hiding the fucking baby in the truck of the fucking car. But Betty—cracked out on pre-wedding jitters—doesn't have the luxury of being angry with Jean right now. The invites are out, right? So Betty is taking her anger out on you. And as people who are behaving irrationally because they're under stress typically don't react well when they're informed that they're behaving irrationally, Jean has opted to keep her mouth shut.

So you're not a thoughtless douche, TD. You're innocent bystander.

And here's what you do: return the suit and let Betty and Jean know via email that you'll understand if they want to get someone else to officiate at the wedding. (Maybe someone who hasn't met the baby yet?) And then, assuming you're still invited, paste a smile on your face and go to the fucking wedding. Drop a toaster on the gift table, have some cake, knock back a few drinks with Penelope, then slip quietly away before the dancing starts.

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