First, shitlip, I'm not your "pal"—no one is. Second, if I want to take an unannounced leave of absence from your insipid little blog in order to carefully observe Steph Stricklen's house from the secluded, darkened confines of an unmarked van, I'll do exactly that. Third—and this also goes for the Blogtown reader who, in my absence, inquired, "What did that fat fuck finaly have a hart attack?"—I remind you: Just because you've purchased, inherited, or (most likely) stolen a magical picture-box that allows you to connect to the world wide web, this does not automatically give you any justification to use the attached keyboard. For proof, let us look no further than this week's waste of photons:
• Sarah Mirk blathered something about hoodlums and spray paint. I cannot tell you any more than that; I stopped reading when Ms. Mirk unironically used the phrase "'street art inspired' pieces for their warehouse gallery."
• Facing a dark, lonely future of no more Harry Potter movies, Alison Hallett began to creepily fixate upon another form of children's entertainment. I suppose she should be congratulated, at least, for finally managing to navigate away from her sad little homepage.
• Who is this "Alex Zielinski" nitwit? His "contributions" to Blogtown consist of boring videos about goats. Fire him immediately.
• Marjorie Skinner's latest oblivious dither contained the phrase "blue wainscoting." Ms. Skinner: That file folder of rejection letters does not lie. Martha Stewart Living will not hire you. You are embarrassing yourself.
• Courtney Ferguson: Useless.
• Yet again, Ned Lannamann attempted to write about science; yet again, he failed. Mr. Lannamann, please do us the courtesy of keeping your blog posts nonexistent.
• In a pathetic spectacle of self-pleasure not witnessed since his poorly attended "'Bate-a-palooza '11," Ezra "Ace" Caraeff loudly congratulated himself for trouncing some pencil-necked fancy lads at a girls' sport. Keep up the hard work, Mr. Caraeff, and best of luck in the coming badmitton season.
• Erik Henriksen's blogging privileges should be revoked.
• At long last, Wm. Steven Humphrey joined the rest of the insufferable Blogtown idiots in droning on and on about his cat. In the Cassano household, it is an indisputable maxim that all cats should be euthanized at birth; I hereby extend that provision to include all cat people.
I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.
Get the best of the Mercury each week in your inbox!