This Week in the Mercury

A World on Fire

Books

A World on Fire

Crime Fiction in the Days of Rodney King


The $17 Million Cat Video from Hell

Film

The $17 Million Cat Video from Hell

Roar: Love, Family, and Hundreds of Deadly Animals



Friday, September 2, 2011

Frank Cassano's "Blogtown in Review"

Posted by Frank Cassano on Fri, Sep 2, 2011 at 5:54 PM

FRANK CASSANO
  • FRANK CASSANO
Evening, shit turds. I won't keep you long, as I imagine you're eager to get a jump on your exciting Labor Day weekend plans—which are no doubt jam-packed with hours of you, alone, sitting on your fat ass and reading the goddamn internet.

• After a too-brief absence, Wm. Steven Humphrey returned—which, naturally, meant more bullshit polls. And just to make sure they were extra infuriating and not worth anyone's time, these were about Portlandia. It sure is great to have you back, you imbecile.

• Marjorie Skinner's interminable "Project Runway Wrap-Up!" not only contained clips of every fucking scene of the entire fucking episode but also included Ms. Skinner's nuanced commentary: "wow, he has a wicked side," "Oh jeez," "Of this I feel neutrally," "Oh, the drama. But first: OMG, WTF," and "I am not a fan of Joshua's management style." Fun fact: This is the single shittiest, most useless post that has ever appeared on Blogtown, and Blogtown is nothing but uselessly shitty posts.

• As he as since age the age of four, Erik Henriksen continued his incessant whimpering about his precious Star Wars. What will it take for you to stop prattling on about these glorified toy commercials, Mr. Henriksen? Perhaps George Lucas brutally skullfucking your eye socket shortly before curbstomping your acne-slathered face? (Should Mr. Lucas be unavailable, I hereby offer my services.)

• Ezra "Ace" Caraeff loudly congratulated himself for trouncing some pencil-necked fancy lads at a girls' sport. And yes—this is exactly what he patted himself on the back for last week. Mr. Caraeff, should you continue to live a tedious, meaningless, and soul-crushingly repetitive personal life, I ask only that the next time you consider sharing its stultifying details, you instead shut your goddamn face hole.

• "The big news of the week is that someone finally finished crunching the numbers on 2010 census data and mapped where all the same-sex couples in the United States live!" squealed Sarah Mirk. Indeed, that's huge news, Ms. Mirk! Congratulations on your scoop! Oh, don't mind me, sweetheart. I'm just making a jerk-off gesture with one hand while flipping you off with the other, you exciteable halfwit.

• What do you call a bunch of insecure, attention-starved outcasts who crave human contact so desperately they'll publicly humiliate themselves in order to get it? Stand-up comics! HAW! (Surprising no one, Alison Hallett fits right in.)

• Under the mistaken belief that Portland needs even more filthy "street children" harassing upstanding citizens, Ned Lannamann attempted (and, of course, miserably failed) to maintain his dignity while busking. Should I see you on the street with a guitar again, Mr. Lannamann, I shall extend to you the same offer I made Mr. Henriksen. You will not have a choice in the matter.

• Alex Zielinski babbled on about some sanctimonious douchetwats who are terrified of "the major agribusiness influence on government subsidies." Excellent cause du jour, yuppie larva! Also, if my cost-per-Twinkie goes up even a nickel? I know where you live. It's with your parents.

• Courtney Ferguson—once an obnoxiously enthusiastic wannabe blogger—has finally given up. I imagine this post took her 14 seconds to "write," which is roughly 12 seconds longer than I wasted on it.

• Does anyone know where the fuck Denis C. Theriault went? Please note that I don't actually care; I'm just wondering if he's dead.

I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.

Comments (9)

Showing 1-9 of 9

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-9 of 9

Comments are closed.

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy