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Monday, September 5, 2011

SL Letter of the Day: Straight Up Ex-Lesbian

Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Sep 5, 2011 at 11:29 AM

I am a 22-year old women who has been sexually active for, well, let's say over a decade. Ninety percent of my experiences have been with women. I am not only physically attracted but was once "married" to a women. I am currently, against everything I ever thought my life would be, dating my first man. I love him undescribely. And want nothing more than to be with him. I've "let go" of my gay past, but he has not. Every place we go, every friend I have is criticized because of my past. I've given him no reason to be this way and no matter what my words and actions reflect, it is still a daily struggle. I am at a loss of what to do!

Post-Lesbian Stress Disorder

My response after the jump...

···············

Here's what you do: If three months from now this guy isn't convinced that you're not just really into dudes, PLSD, but really most sincerely into dudes, then no amount of swinging from his dick is going to convince him that you're into dudes. He'll never believe that you've "let go" of your "gay past" and he's going to keep criticizing you, obsessing about your past, freaking out about your friends, and making you miserable, for as long as you're with him. Because a man who makes every day a miserable struggle, PLSD, is a man who enjoys making you miserable. Convince a man like that to put down the stick he's beating you with now ("gay past"), PLSD, and he'll find some other stick to beat you with.

So, again: give it three months. If he doesn't drop it, drop him.

And there's something else you need drop right now: putting "married" in quotation marks when you refer to your previous same-sex relationship. If you were married to your ex—if you had a ceremony—then you were married to your ex, not "married" to your ex. Putting marriage in quotes when you refer to to a same-sex marriage is douche move (it's what the haters at the Family Research Council and the National Organization for Marriage do), a move that's just as annoying and unnecessary as your fucked up desire to repudiate your "gay past" seems to be.

Look, I get it. You become sexually active at a very early age, which was unfortunate, and that may have delayed and complicated your eventual discovery of your true sexual orientation. I support you identifying as straight now if that's what you truly feel you are, PLSD. You don't have to identify as lesbian or bi on a technicality. But there's no need to adopt the language of the ex-gays and the Christian haters when you explain who you are now to current lays, old friends, and preferred sex-advice columnists.

UPDATE: Commenter Seatackled had this to say, which I kind of agree with.

I'd say DTMFA, not DTMFI3M. Smart money on when this guy is with a woman who's got a straight past, he'd be on her for any man she's ever dated. So the LW's "gay past" is just an easy target for him.

In other words: if it's not this stick, another. But it's possible that this boy is young and insecure and PLSD's sexual history gives him lots to obsess over. Maybe give him three weeks to knock this shit the fuck off instead of twelve.

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