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Thursday, September 8, 2011

Let's Just Start Calling Train Wrecks "Republican Debates" From Now On

Posted by Paul Constant on Thu, Sep 8, 2011 at 1:47 PM

Here's where we are after last night's debate:

Rick Perry is the front-runner, even though he couldn't answer a question to save his life. All of his answers had something to do with how awesome Texas is, even if the questions were about how Texas is last in the nation on high school graduates. He hates science, and Ron Paul.

While Republicans keep having hot, racist flings with nutjobs, Mitt Romney is the boy they're saving for marriage. He gave the exact same performance he gave at every other debate, because he is a robot.

Herman Cain keeps using scrubbed Godfather's Pizza marketing plans as talking points. His most recent plan involves 9 toppings on a 9-inch pizza for $9.99. I hope he never stops running for president.

Michele Bachmann is slowly turning invisible, even though she keeps saying crazier and crazier things about giving jobs to kids. Remember when she was the front-runner? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

In the last debate, Newt Gingrich got a huge round of applause for chastising the gotcha media, so in this debate he attacked moderators for asking him questions. You get the sense that it doesn't matter what question he's asked. But it's all meaningless anyway, because his poll numbers aren't moving and he'll be out of the race soon, and back to grumbling about the media on Fox News shows and waiting for a vice presidential nod that will never come.

Democrats everywhere are developing secret crushes on Jon Huntsman for acknowledging that science exists.

Famous assault victim Ron Paul went full-on crazy last night, proposing grand conspiracies of fences that will keep us trapped in America, which we are all trying to escape.

Rick Santorum is running for Hate-Pope of America and his campaign is going swimmingly. He's disappearing, Bachmann-like, from the 2012 Republican presidential campaign, though.

Rick Perry won the debate, but that's in spite of Rick Perry's debate performance.
The pattern that has emerged over the course of 2011 is that the newest, craziest person always wins these Republican debates. Perry has made the biggest crazy-splash so far, but I think Romney is still winning the war.

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