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Monday, September 12, 2011

News Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Sep 12, 2011 at 9:28 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Your love is like a mountain, and I'd like to slide down into your canyons. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

For those who love seeing imbecilic drooling hilarity at work, don't miss tonight's CNN Tea Party Debate!

Obama sends his job-growing legislation to congress, where it received a "polite, but mixed response" from the GOP. (Which is to say they said "thank you" before pissing on it.)

Military jets were scrambled to "escort" (i.e. prepare to shoot down) two commercial planes yesterday (i.e. the anniversary of 9/11) because passengers spent too much time in the bathroom (i.e. SEX).

Realizing it's not quite enough to simply screw over their customers, Bank of America says they'll be laying off 30,000 employees.

A gas pipeline in a Kenya slum explodes, killing at least 68.

In other "explosion" news: A furnace blows up at a French nuclear plant, killing one and injuring four.

Wait... a Florida man is also killed after his scuba tank explodes? GUYS! STAY AWAY FROM EXPLODING THINGS TODAY!

Hunky Spartacus actor Andy Whitfield, dead at the too-young age of 39, after a bout with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

DOOK! DOOK! DOOK! Another off-duty Portland cop is arrested for drunk driving.

In sports, my mixed-doubles badminton team lost yesterday in the first Invitational Southeast Badminton Tournament. Fucking bullshit badminton.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: A cooler week ahead with a high of 83 today, steadily dropping to the low 70s by week's end.

And finally, Santa was really upset yesterday about the anniversary of 9/11. Good thing Jesus was there to comfort him.

santa-really-took-the-911-tragedy-hard-come-here--10440-1315760270-1.jpg

 

Comments (7) RSS

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1
Aw, he wasn't driving drunk - he was sleeping it off in his car. I've always thought that should be legal. You've realized you're too drunk to drive, and are trying to do the right thing, right? That just seems like a BS "gotcha" application of the law.

Posted by Reymont on September 12, 2011 at 10:03 AM · Report
2
Is there only one set of footprints across the snow?
Posted by Todd Mecklem on September 12, 2011 at 10:48 AM · Report
3
Jeebus is friggin huge........or Santa is really tiny.............
Posted by Abusive on September 12, 2011 at 11:14 AM · Report
4
Nothing about Serena Williams making an ass of herself at the US Open yesterday?
Posted by frankieb on September 12, 2011 at 12:07 PM · Report
5
Is that a gravestone for the actual "Remembering 9-11"? If so, is it because we've forgotten 9-11? Whatever, it's stupid... On to the real story today:

GOOD MORNING, STEVE!!! HOW ARE YOU?!?
Posted by Graham on September 12, 2011 at 12:58 PM · Report
6
GOOD MORNING, GRAHAM!!
and
GOOD MORNING, FRANKIEB!! (No Serena Williams story, since that was mostly a manufactured controversy to get more people to watch the US Open.)
Posted by Wm. Steven Humphrey on September 12, 2011 at 1:10 PM · Report
7
"manufactured" ??? huh?
I didn't see nothing 'manufactured' about it. but more people should watch tennis.
GOOD MORNING RIGHT BACK AT YA!!

(if there is a God, please forgive me for all caps)
Posted by frankieb on September 12, 2011 at 1:16 PM · Report

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