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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

SL Letter of the Day: Crushed Out? Take a Time Out

Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Sep 21, 2011 at 10:27 AM

I am a gay man and have been with my partner for over 6 years. We recently met another gay couple and have become pretty good friends. Both of our relationships are open, in that we play with others only when both partners are involved. But we don't play with others as often as our new friends do.

I've noticed a slight mutual crush between myself and one of our new friends. I'm not leaving my partner for him or anyone else, so I'm not too concerned about that. My problem is that I get a little jealous when my crush tells me about the other guys he and his partner fool around with.

My first question is, do you have any suggestions on how I can decrease my crush and thereby the jealousy that goes with it? Second, we have all talked about the four of us fooling around together. Do you think that once the sexual tension is no longer there my crush will diminish, or do you think this will backfire after sex is introduced and we'll ultimately end up losing the friendship?

Partnered With Mixed Feelings


My response after the jump...

·················

I'm less concerned about the future of your new friendship, PWMF, than I am about the future of your six-year relationship. Your partner, not your crush, should be your first concern, your top priority, the-thing-upon-which-you-are-ever-focused-like-a-giant-gay-laser-beam. And as you clearly feel somewhat wary and/or conflicted about sleeping with these guys—otherwise you wouldn't have written—I'm gonna urge you to give this proposed foursome a pass.

For now.

Crushes on the novel-and-new tend to diminish as the novelty wears off. If and when your crush begins to wane—you'll know it's lifting when you stop feelings pangs of jealousy when they tell you about their adventures with other men—maybe then you can revisit this proposed foursome. And if and when you revisit the proposed foursome, PWMF, you're going to need to tell your partner, if you haven't already, how you feel/felt about this guy before you sleep him and his boyfriend. That way your partner can opt exercise his veto.

Again: adding sex to the mix now, when you're feeling crushed out on this guy, is a bad idea. Sex is just as likely—hell, it's likelier—to intensify those crushed-out feelings as it is to diminish them. These guys are hot and in open relationship now, PWMF, and they're going to be hot and in an open relationship six months from now. Wait.

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