STUNNER! After cheering executions and letting poverty-stricken sick people die in the past two Republican presidential debates, corn-fed conservative audience meatheads strike again. This time? It's a fusillade of boos for a gay soldier asking whether the candidates would reinstate "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." (Rick Santorum, for the record, said yes.) It was the heinously defining moment in a dud debate that also featured this bit of genius (no taxes, ever!) from Michele Bachmann.

"Two chicken fried steaks, a triple meat bacon cheeseburger, a cheese omelet, a large bowl of fried okra, three fajitas, a pint of Blue Bell ice cream, and a pound of barbecue with half a loaf of white bread." Apparently, this dead man's giant meal is what Texas prison officials consider "ridiculous" about their state-sponsored killing apparatus, not that they eagerly use that apparatus to kill hundreds of people.

The federal government is about to maybe shut down. Again. It's kind of like how The Shawshank Redemption is always on late-night cable.

The assassin-defying president of Yemen is home from the hospital, calling for a cease-fire and new "dialogue"—two things his very presence in the country appear to have made impossible.

The parade of awkwardness over Palestine's bid for United Nations recognition hits its zenith today, with the formal request for statehood about to be submitted.

Facebook has only just begun making people feel uncomfortable.

Joining the city's porn-loving traffic cops, Los Angeles firefighters are now under investigation for letting on-duty fire engines star in dirty movies.

A hitman falls in love with his intended target, decides to con his murder-seeking client by pouring catsup all over said target and submitting blurry photos of a job not-well-done.

While you were sleeping/stumbling home drunkenly, a car sped through the Salmon Street fountain, punched through the riverwall in Waterfront Park, and sank to the bottom of the Willamette.

Albert Einstein wasn't so smart after all. HA! THE UNIVERSE HAS NO SPEED LIMIT!

And now, thank goodness, scientists have begun perfecting the pornography of the future: Visual recordings of your dreams, thoughts, and, um, favorite memories.

SO, LIKE, IF YOU WANT SALVATION, YOU GOTTA FIGHT FOR IT. AND STUFF.