This Week in the Mercury

The Legend of Zelda

Theater

The Legend of Zelda

Not Even Grimm's Actors Can Save Three Days of Rain from Itself


Disaster Movie

Film

Disaster Movie

Everyone in San Andreas Dies Except for the Rock



Sunday, September 25, 2011

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Denis C. Theriault on Sun, Sep 25, 2011 at 10:19 AM

Start spreading the news! Police in Lower Manhattan have begun macing, gassing, restraining, caging, arresting, 'cuffing, collaring, dragging off, etc. dozens of Occupy Wall Street protesters who have been camped outside corporate Valhalla for much of the past week. Had the demonstrations turned violent? Not really. Just annoying. And isn't that enough these days?

The president will attempt to pander to hippies, Communists and minorities, refocusing his increasingly desperate re-election effort what with white suburbanites and middle Americans making it clear he can no longer count on their nose-held support. Meanwhile, even his most enthusiastic backers in 2008 are refusing to open their threadbare wallets and purses.

Herman Cain, a pizza chain impresario, has little chance of winning the Republican presidential nomination. But because he combines two things Floridians love most—Jesus Christ and fast food—"voters" lofted him to an upset in the state's statistically meaningless GOP straw poll. Mitt Romney won in Michigan, where confused elderly Republicans thought they were re-electing his dead father to the governorship.

Women in Saudi Arabia, starting in 2015 or so, will finally get the right to vote and run for local political offices. It's unclear if they'll still need men to drive them to the polls and to campaign events, you know, since the Islamist monarchy there refuses to grant them driver's licenses.

The threat of a federal civil rights probe has persuaded tolerant Arizona to stop harassing and punishing schoolteachers whose English is inflected with a foreign (i.e. Mexican) accent.

Okay, fat Americans, listen up! Addictive, unhealthy fast food isn't actually any cheaper, and it's only marginally more convenient, than assembling and quickly cooking up a few humble ingredients in your very own kitchens. No time? Turn off the TV for half-an-hour or even, golly, put a small one in the kitchen if you can't bear to be away for that long.

It's funny how when CIA agents are asked spy on a population, as in Muslim Americans, it can be difficult to get members of said population to sign up for the CIA.

Libya's new government uncovers more evidence of the atrocities of the old one: a mass grave filled with the bodies 1,270 prisoners executed in 1996 under the orders of Moammar Qaddafi.

More bad press for the Columbia River Crossing. The planned Interstate 5 makeover would displace dozens of floating homes moored off Hayden Island, a difficult proposition for owners who have lived on the water, in some cases, for decades.

It's never a bad idea to link to slideshows of Victorian-era medical curiosities and ephemera.

EVERY DAY IS A GOLDEN AND HAPPY DAY WHEN YOU LIVE TO SERVE THE PARTY. IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING? MAYBE?


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