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Friday, September 30, 2011

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Denis C. Theriault on Fri, Sep 30, 2011 at 9:29 AM

When you mess with the U.S., you die like the rest! Yay jingoism! A drone strike has killed the imam in charge of, perhaps, the most important branch of Al-Qaida—Al-Qaida in Yemen—now that Osama bin Laden is dead. Anwar Al-Awlaki, believed to be tied to the Fort Hood, Texas, shooting massacre as well as plans to blow up an airliner over Christmas 2009, was also an American citizen, which is a bit sticky for the CIA.

Still foundering amid desperation masquerading as hope, Barack Obama's re-election campaign is peddling the notion that it can win a narrow victory next year by forgoing traditional bellwether states like Ohio and Florida and Wisconsin and targeting, instead, hillbilly states like North Carolina and Georgia and Arizona that are drawing increasing numbers of college graduates and non-whites.

Ask. Tell. Even say "I do."
The Pentagon has given military chaplains permission to marry same-sex couples, provided the law and the chaplain's own personal beliefs don't get in the way of such a transaction.

Your bank is probably one of the asshole banks charging you for the privilege of conveniently spending your own money via a debit card, the very same money they would panic over if we suddenly, and en masse, withdrew it and deposited it somewhere else. Like our stained, springy mattresses.

Catering to the classy types
who piss away their hopes and dreams and rent money, etc., at Atlantic City's palatial casinos, the Trump Taj Mahal, in a special promotion, is giving away $25,000 worth of plastic surgery to one lucky card-game player.

This script is getting very old. Another young Muslim man is arrested on terrorism-related charges after he's approached, solicited, coached, and then armed exclusively by FBI agents pretending to work on behalf of Al-Qaida.

Russia's pretend president
says reinstalling Vladimir Putin atop one of the world's largest petro-economies, pretty much for as long as he wants, is somehow the same as renewing Russia's government.

A two-faced cat, aka the spawn of Satan and Hecate and Jesus and Tom from Tom and Jerry, has set a Guinness record for managing to somehow not be burned alive as an unholy abomination over the past 12 years.

Also! Nic Cage isn't the only Hollywood vampire!
Because Photoshop doesn't exist, and because no one has ever retouched a photograph in history, this creepy picture of a John Travolta doppelganger from 1860 must be totally real and not fake or nothing.

DID YOU SEE THIS BEAR CLEANING OUT A PIZZERIA IN A HICK PART OF BRITISH COLUMBIA? HE MUST LOVE PIZZA SLICES SO MUCH! OMIGOD I BET HE WOULD GO, LIKE, APESHIT IF HE EVER WALKED TO NEW YORK CITY! DON'T YOU AGREE?

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