Good news, everybody! Science nows says doing 'shrooms will make you awesome — forever! Apparently, in a clinical study, 60% of patients exposed to psilocybin (for those of you who have never resided in Eugene, that's the "magic" in magic mushrooms) experience a significant personality shift in "openness" that's been shown, in some cases, to last a year or longer.

Says study author Roland Griffiths in this USA Today article, a professor of psychiatry and neuroscience at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine:

"But, remarkably, this study shows that psilocybin actually changes one domain of personality that is strongly related to traits such as imagination, feeling, abstract ideas and aesthetics, and is considered a core construct underlying creativity in general," he added. "And the changes we see appear to be long-term."

Of course, Professor AwesomeDrugs requested, a bit halfheartedly, that you not try this experiment in becoming exponentially cooler and more interesting at home because "personality changes are personality changes," and also because "all the time people who use mushrooms recreationally sometimes end up getting into accidents or engage in homicidal behavior or suicide." Well, sure, but creative homicidal behavior!

So I'm just going to go ahead and call it: DO MORE DRUGS, PORTLAND. You're probably boring anyway, and being more creative might just help you land that bike messenger job you've been coveting (BY KILLING ALL THE OTHER BIKE MESSENGERS by spiffing up your resume!).

And, hey, at least it's better than dealing.