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Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Bikes I Won the Mercury Bike Challenge: An Acceptance Speech

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Oct 5, 2011 at 2:44 PM

As you may have heard, September was "Bike Commute Challenge" month across Portland, and once again the Mercury gleefully competed against a host of other like-minded companies... and lost, most notably because of the fat-assed laziness of Ezra Caraeff and Alison Hallett, who signed up and promptly didn't ride a single day. (Nice work, guys. My faith in your lack of ambition remains undisturbed.)

HOWEVER! It is with some pleasure to note that I once again won our inter-office bike challenge competition for the third year in a row. It is with even greater pleasure to note that our own Sarah Mirk incorrectly predicted I would lose—despite the fact that I had soundly defeated everyone in the office for the last two years. Here's what she predicted:

"My expectation is that Joe will bike the most of anyone in the office, followed by Noah and Steve and then Nami."—Sarah Mirk in an email addressed to the Mercury office, dated August 31, 11:49 am.

And here are the final results:

Screen_shot_2011-10-03_at_9.37.24_AM.png

I would like to congratulate all of my competitors (except, of course, fat-ass Ezra and Alison, whose only talent seems to be ruining everything for everybody) and hope that Sarah has learned a valuable lesson that everyone else already seems to know: UNDERESTIMATE ME AT YOUR OWN FUCKING PERIL.

BOO-YAH!!

 

Comments (11) RSS

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1
WHO THE FUCK IS PKIDPDX?!? IT LOOKS LIKE IF THEY CAME INTO THE OFFICE JUST ONE MORE TIME THAT MONTH THEY WOULD HAVE WON. I BET STEVE FIRED THEM AT THE LAST SECOND JUST TO ENSURE HIS VICTORY!!!
Posted by Graham on October 5, 2011 at 2:59 PM · Report
2
My son had a Dr.'s appointment so I had to not bike commute ONE DAY last month. In my heart, I'm still #1. :-)
Posted by pinehurstkid on October 5, 2011 at 3:08 PM · Report
3
@PINEHURSTKID: IT'S OBVIOUS YOUR CHILD HAS MADE YOU INTO A LOSER!! TIME TO TIE A BRICK TO THAT THING AND THROW IT IN THE OCEAN!!!
Posted by Graham on October 5, 2011 at 3:15 PM · Report
4
But who will take care of me when I'm old?
Posted by pinehurstkid on October 5, 2011 at 3:19 PM · Report
5
@PINEHURSTKID: WHEN YOU ARE OLD WE WILL TURN YOU INTO A NUTRIOUS SLURRY THAT WILL BE SPRINKLED ON THE PRODUCE AS IT IS BEING CULTIVATED'; THAT IS HOW WE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU.
Posted by Graham on October 5, 2011 at 3:25 PM · Report
6
I have no recollection of signing up for this.
Posted by Alison Hallett on October 5, 2011 at 4:07 PM · Report
7
Whatever, Sarah is the fucking captain.
Posted by Joneser on October 5, 2011 at 4:38 PM · Report
8
The ol'man done whooped the youngsters!!!!!!!
Posted by Abusive on October 5, 2011 at 4:55 PM · Report
9
Next time, Gadget, NEXT TIIIIIIIIIME!!!!!!
Posted by Denis C. Theriault on October 5, 2011 at 5:30 PM · Report
10
@ Denis, I heartily approve of this Inspector Gadget reference.

Y'know what a good web comic would be? 35 year old Penny.

Not so much Brain. He'd be long dead.
Posted by Commenty Colin on October 5, 2011 at 6:12 PM · Report
11
Be careful what you sign when you've been drinking, Alison.
Posted by ujfoyt on October 5, 2011 at 8:41 PM · Report

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