This Week in the Mercury
Friday, October 14, 2011
Mercury / Crime This Week's Best Letter from Prison
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Oct 14, 2011 at 1:30 PM
Nothing excites us more here at the Mercury than to receive a letter from someone in prison. I feel I don't have to explain this.
Here's this week's best "Letter from Prison" from "Butterknife Dave," currently serving time at the Columbia River Correctional Institution—a minimum security prison located in deep northeast Portland.
Dear Portland Mercury,In response to Miss Morgan's (Vol 12, #19, pg 5) "Why do I read Blogtown?" column, I don't read Blogtown, I can't. As it turns out, I surrendered my rights to Blogtown and all other things internets when I shoplifted and was grabbed from behind and violently accosted in a dark parking lot by an unidentified store detective monkey and later choked out fervidly for walking away from him which ultimately got me charged with armed robbery and assault for defending myself from that excessive force, then I was badgered into a ludicrous plea bargain — forget PPB brutality, good store detective monkeys are the real threat, I'm just glad I got to go to prison to be saved from the violence on the streets. So Miss Morgan, I'll have to stick to the printed goodies in the Portland Mercury until 2013 when I get the sweet-ass hookup back (the internets). Uh-oh, pop quiz in the showers, gotta go (I've changed majors from a CS batch @ PSU to a major in prison yard etiquette with a minor in toilet wine making). Before I go, can you find me a solid penal-pal? M4F or a hot guy, but only if he sends money — G4P...JK! Keep me schooled on all that is real and weird in PDX!
— "Butterknife" Dave
P.S. Portland Mercury, can you explain why my transistor radio doesn't get any good viking metal? Thanks.
P.S.S. It's 2:45 and my cellie is tickling my feet as I write this. Is that normal? I mean, I don't have LBGTs, I just don't know their ways. Does it sound like my cellie tickling my feet could be a come-on?
Most Commented on Blogtown, PDX
-
City's "Overnight Sleeping" Program Finds First Host—and Neighbors React in Ugly Fashion by Denis C. Theriault
-
Oh, Did You Think The Great Gatsby Movie Was Going to Be Good? by Alison Hallett
-
Happy World Goth Day! by Marjorie Skinner
-
Feds Dish Out $745.2 Million to the Light Rail by Alex Zielinski
-
Game of Thrones Recap: Calm Before the Storm Edition by Joe Streckert
-
Good Morning, News! by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey
-
Portland Button Works Opens on Killingsworth by Alison Hallett
-
Ye Olde Underground Loo by Alex Zielinski
-
We're Number One! by Alex Zielinski
-
Mapping Destruction: City Releases Locations of Portland Hazards by Nathan Gilles
Our Friends
- UrbanHonking
- Culture Shock
- Portland Roundball Society
- Steph Cassano
- Cort and Fatboy
- Street Roots
- Powell's Books Blog
- Portland Transport
- Portland Afoot
- Bike Portland
- Eater: PDX
- Portland Food and Drink
- Mr. Movie
- Sunday Softball
- BlueOregon
- Sightline Institute
- Ultra: Arts Portland
- Bitch Magazine
- Blazer's Edge
- Reading Local: Portland
- Portland Food Carts
- Stumptown Vegans
Our Enemies
The Handyman Pro - Your Honey-Do Specialist
Don’t let our name fool you. The Handyman Pro, LLC is a repair and remodel service provider with over 25-years experience. We cover all aspects of construction and repairs for residential and commercial clients.
RSSGoing to Seattle?
Comments (0)