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Friday, October 21, 2011

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Denis C. Theriault on Fri, Oct 21, 2011 at 9:29 AM

Hey, everybody! Again! The world is going to end today! Again! Did you kiss your loved ones today and tell them you loved them? How about all your CDs and VHS tapes? Your small, apartment-appropriate pets? Your bosses? Your neighbors? Your baristas? You don't have any friends, so don't worry about them.

Right. Moammar Qaddafi is dead. And lots of people have seen the shaky, blurry, frantic cameraphone videos taken right before that death, right after he was pulled bleeding from a drain pipe. But no one really knows—yet—precisely how he died. Crossfire? Execution by rebels? Execution by his own bodyguard? The rebels who found him, at least, got to claim some keepsakes: a shoe, a scarf, a satellite phone, and a golden gun.

Naturally, rebels in Yemen and Syria are feeling buoyed by certain events in Libya.

Steve Jobs really didn't have to die of cancer. Probably. According to reviews of selectively leaked copies of his upcoming biography, the Apple boss opted for magical thinking and macrobiotics at a crucial time when surgery and chemotherapy would probably have done the trick instead. There's other stuff in there, too, like his HATRED OF ANDROID.

Way to wipe yourselves with the Constitution, Alabama! You won't let Latinos out of their houses anymore, and now you've just decided it really is okay to subject a mentally ill man to state-sanctioned murder.

Speaking of prisons, Texas is cutting $2.8 million a year by feeding inmates only two meals on Saturday now instead of three. Which will totally backfire if prisoners finally get skinny enough to slip through the bars on their cell windows.

The Obama 2012 campaign, by design, will look a lot like the Bush 2004 campaign. Brand your foe (Mitt Romney?) a flip-flopper, pretend no one's pissed about the war economy, and outraise anyone else by untold millions of dollars. Also, steal votes in Ohio. Clearly.

Pizza salesman Herman Cain's 9-9-9 pizza special tax plan, when charted out, looks just like the last 30 years of wealth redistribution. Which means the poors will have even less money to drop on Cain's subpar pizza. UPDATE: Okay, y'damned nitpickers, the link is fixed!

The ACLU issues a stunning new report: According its own internal documents, the FBI is actively profiling Muslims and other minorities! Shocking!

After a two-year-old child was hit by a car in China, 18 people ignored the kid's writhing body in the street before a woman picking through garbage stopped what she was doing and pulled the child to the side of the road. The child has since died.

Don't worry. Another study promises your cell phone won't kill you. If it makes you feel any better, it's the biggest and broadest examination yet.

Science also confirms: A disproportionately minuscule network of transnational corporations, mostly banks, actually does control the global economy.

I DO NOT HAVE AN "EVERYDAY" FACE. I HOPE THAT NONE OF YOU EVER SEES ME BEFORE I'M READY TO BE SEEN. YOU SHOULD HOPE SO, TOO.

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