Congratulations, shitlip! No doubt due to some painful chafing, you've managed to pull yourself away from your favorite porno site for five goddamn minutes. God forbid you leave the cold glow of your computer monitor, however, to go outdoors or talk to a live person—which perhaps explains why, like a drooling halfwit, you've have stumbled to Blogtown, yet another site where those providing degrading content are dead-eyed and full of shame. Here are some things to read while you wait out your refractory period, pervert.

• Alison Hallett, who's usually content to be a depressing cat lady, went out on a limb and tried something a bit different—being a depressing dog lady! ATTN. OREGON HUMANE SOCIETY: Allow me to introduce you to Ms. Hallett, another pathetic, unwanted thing for you to put out if its misery.

• Airheaded socialist Alex Zielinski gleefully reported that hippies are now allowed to "counter recruit" alongside military recruiters. I am a strong proponent of this development, as I can only imagine it will lead to fisticuffs. Guess who's winning that fight, you commie queefs.

• Marjorie Skinner wiggled herself into her best "I'm a real reporter!" outfit and wrote an eye-opening exposé about tacos for hipsters. An actual journalist would have inquired if they served actual Mexican food, but, as is readily apparent, Ms. Skinner is not a real journalist.

• Courtney Ferguson asked Blogtown readers a question. Blogtown readers ignored her.

• As usual, Ned Lannamann said nothing worth acknowledging.

• Denis C. Theriault broke the hilarious news that Occupy Portland's twinkling revolutionaries are threatening to move into the Pearl. ATTN. IMBECILES: Residents of the Pearl can afford to hire private security. Like Blackwater. I urge you to move there immediately.

• Erik Henriksen discussed films from three acclaimed, award-winning directors, as well as a cartoon made exclusively for toddlers and drug addicts. Guess which one inspired Blogtown's commenters to shit their pants in delight?

• More proof of how woefully inadequate Blogtown's commenters are: Wm. Steven Humphrey collated some comments regarding Occupy Portland from The Oregonian, FOX, KATU, and KOIN. Now that's how you comment, ding-a-lings.

I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.