This Week in the Mercury

How to Avoid the Same Auld Lang Syne

Feature

How to Avoid the Same Auld Lang Syne

Our Dan Fogelberg-Free Rundown of the Best New Year's Eves in Town!


Savage Love

Columns

Savage Love

Only the Lonely



Friday, October 28, 2011

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Denis C. Theriault on Fri, Oct 28, 2011 at 9:29 AM

The Iraq War veteran and Occupy sympathizer critically injured by Oakland police this week—only to emerge as a symbol of the movement and, yes, attract international attention—has regained consciousness. Which should have Oakland officials sighing in deep, sweet relief as they try to put down their shovels in the name of damage control and stop trying to dig themselves deeper and deeper.

In other Occupy news, San Diego police arrested some 50 campers who had been told they could spend the night outside city hall so long as they brought along nothing that would make sleeping in an outdoor concrete plaza any more comfortable.

Barack Obama's campaign donors technically aren't lobbyists. But don't be misled. Some of the "bundlers" his staff relies on to squeeze those donors for millions of bucks, and even toss in a little themselves, are lobbyists in all but name.

As far as Michele Bachmann is concerned,
some Tea Partiers are picking up their teddy bears and dainty, miniature tea cups and heading home.

Years ago, $6.6 billion in U.S. aid meant for Iraq's "reconstruction" vanished. And, hey, look, guess what? Magic! It's been found.

Inbred British princesses may no longer have to wait for their inbred, twitty younger brothers to die or marry American divorcees or whatever to become queen.

Ten years after a onetime peasant
gave the law the slip by fleeing jail in a laundry basket, he has consolidated his power and reach atop one of the world's most ruthless drug cartels.

The church run by the old, skinny, and stroke-addled man
who keeps saying the world will end has scrubbed all doomsday references from its website—meaning it's safe to keep sending them your money. The Mercury steadfastly refuses to do the same on its website.

DRUGS ARE REALLY BAD
THIS KID DIED AND IT WASN'T EVEN REAL POT IT WAS FAKE POT HUFFED FROM A PEZ DISPENSER AAAAHHHH

Mystery Solved No. 1!
How Apple godhead Steve Jobs managed to drive an unplated Mercedes without getting ticketed.

Mystery Solved No. 2! Why the Joy of Sex is filled with drawings of creepy, hairy people.

OH, AND LOOK!
IT IS ALREADY TIME FOR THE REST OF THE COUNTRY TO START OBSESSING OVER THE EASTERN SEABOARD'S WEATHER! BRR! SNOW!


Comments (6)

Showing 1-6 of 6

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-6 of 6

Comments are closed.

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy