City Quake Tour Dances Around Fears Over Portland's Harbor Wall—and Bridges
The people who brought you Local.35 are holding the grand opening of their new East Burnside outpost, Machus (542 E Burnside), this coming Friday (Dec 2, 7-10 pm) with a DJ set from Genevieve D, video art by Chris Lael Larson, drinks, hors d'oeuvres from Broder, and Stumptown Coffee flowing all weekend long. (You can read more about the shop here.)
As if this were not cause for joy in itself, Machus has generously offered up a chance for you to win a gift certificate for a whopping 100 bones at the new shop! Click on over to MOD to enter.

UPDATE! Congratulations to Jesse, who composed the winning haiku:
yet another shirt
with dysfunctional pockets
oh look its from gant
Today in "THIS BOOK IS HUGE": DC Comics' The New 52 Omnibus, a hardcover that collects all 52 first issues of DC's line-wide reboot. Mercury Arts Editor Alison Hallett dropped this monstrosity my desk yesterday, splintering my desk in half, sending a THUDD throughout the entire office, and rupturing space-time as we knew it.
This thing seems both ridiculously complete (considering how mediocre many of the "New 52" books were, I can't imagine anyone feeling the need to own the first issue of every single one) and ridiculously incomplete (since these are all just the first issues—the starts of stories—none of these issues really stand on their own). That's not to say there aren't good, even great stories in here—Grant Morrison and Rags Morales' Action Comics, Scott Snyder and Yanick Paquette's Swamp Thing, and Jeff Lemire and Travel Foreman's Animal Man were all smart, great, and fun—but you're also getting stuff like Catwoman, Voodoo, and Red Hood and the Outlaws, so as the collection as a whole goes, it's pretty uneven. It's safe to say your mileage, from issue to issue, will vary pretty widely.
Then again, it weighs like 10 pounds, it's like three inches thick (over 1200 pages), and it could easily be used to maim, or even kill, a small child. So that's something. It goes on sale on December 13 for $150.

THUNE'S TUNES—Armed with a guitar and a disarming wit, the charming Nick Thune noodles while doing short-form wordplay and jokes. Sure, he has the guitar, but I wouldn't go so far as to call him a musical comedy act—his playing serves more as a calming and funny soundtrack to a rolling queue of puns and one-liners. CF
Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, 8 pm, $15-20
FOR WHAT ALES YOU—For the 16th year in a row, you can enjoy all the beer and miserable fall weather your rain jacket can handle at the Holiday Ale Festival, which will be hosting 40 breweries over five days. Thank goodness summer is over—who doesn't hate drinking outside basking in warmth and sunshine? MJ
Pioneer Courthouse Square, 701 SW 6th, Wed 2 am-10 pm, Thurs-Sat 11 am-10 pm, Sun 11 am-5 pm, $25 for mug and beer tickets, 21+
This person thinks you wear too much perfume, and says as much in an I, Anonymous post sensitively entitled, "Lady, You Fucking Stink."
I can feel it coat my fucking tongue. I don’t care if what you wear is $250/bottle, or if it’s 100% all natural hand pressed essential oils of some rare Amazonian blossom, or if it’s the purest vaginal secretions of the last living fucking unicorn, it makes me seriously sick. Maybe you’ve lost your olfactory sense and honestly don’t know why birds fall from the sky and insects die around you everywhere you go.
Rest assured there is much more here. Has someone or something offended your sensitive senses? Express your delicate feelings here, in the eternal home of beauty and light, AKA the I, Anonymous Blog.

I attended a Gay & Grey diversity training last week for my other job. The one that pays me money, unlike this job. Anyway, I made a comic about it!

Evangelical Christian Richard Land posted an open letter to Newt Gingrich yesterday:
Mr. Speaker, I urge you to pick a pro-family venue* and give a speech (not an interview) addressing your martial history once and for all. It should be clear that this speech will be “it” and will not be repeated, only referenced.As you prepare that speech, you should picture in your mind a 40-something Evangelical married woman whose 40-something sister just had her heart broken by an Evangelical husband who has just filed for divorce, having previously promised in church, before God, his wife and “these assembled witnesses” to “love, honor and cherish until death us do part.”
Focus on her as if she were your only audience...You need to make it as clear as you possibly can that you deeply regret your past actions and that you do understand the anguish and suffering they caused others including your former spouses. Make it as clear as you can that you have apologized for the hurt your actions caused and that you have learned from your past misdeeds. Express your love for, and loyalty to, your wife and your commitment to your marriage. Promise your fellow Americans that if they are generous enough to trust you with the presidency, you will not let them down and that there will be no moral scandals in a Gingrich White House.
Part of me would love to see this, just because it would physically pain Newt Gingrich to grovel, and that pain would be written all over his enormous face. I don't believe Gingrich will do this—he thinks he's onto something with his stock "it's-none-of-your-business" response—but Evangelicals believe that everything sexual is their business, and they won't be happy until he humiliates himself in public and begs for forgiveness. I could watch this dance forever.
* What's an anti-family venue? Was Dick Land seriously worried Gingrich was going to give this hypothetical speech from the floor of a gay bathhouse?
If you remember, yesterday was the WORST NEWS DAY EVER because it was announced that Portland's Kettleman's Bagels is being bought out by squishy bread manufacturer Noah's.
While all the Kettleman's Bagels are being rebranded as either Noah's or Einstein's in coming months, the important question remained: Would they continue selling the same bagels? Or would Kettleman's dump the boiled perfection that's gathered it a local following and switch to stamping holes through salt-covered dinner rolls?
I just got off the phone with retail member Ruth Moore at Kettleman's HQ she says, "The way we make bagels is staying the way it is." So no recipe switch. So no need to go stockpile Kettleman's Bagels in your deep freeze.
For now. The suspicious side of me thinks it's impossible that Noah's would operate stores that don't sell Noah's bagels—even if they have a local following, I think the franchise would want to side with consistency. I think they'll not change the recipe for now, to avoid a full-on customer revolt, but once we've settled into getting bagels from Noah's, they'll transition from the current recipe to the ol' dinner rolls.
In the history of PORTLAND SELL OUTS, I'd have to put Kettleman's at the top. From worst sell-out to least-worst-sell-out, here's my list:
1) Kettleman's Bagels. ARRGGGHHHHH.
2) Tazo Tea, which recently dumped us for the Seattle 'burbs.
3) Stumptown, which got "major investment" from NYC investors.
4) McTarnahan's, which was also sold to Seattle forever ago.
5) Fred Meyer, which was bought by Kroger to create the world's largest grocer!

At any rate, no definite plans are determined as of yet, but what's really exciting is that Storie's team wants to make it very much a community- and neighborhood-oriented space. That's why they're holding an open house/brainstorming session on Saturday, December 10, to allow folks to check out the place and contribute ideas for its use.
Facebook event here; Sat Dec 10, 6423 SE Foster, noon-2 pm
iPhone users across the country were dismayed to discover this week that Siri, the iPhone 4's smart humanoid robot, won't bring up abortion clinics in search results. Siri can instantly find you all sorts of other things—like sex and Viagra, but ask for an abortion clinic and it comes up with nada.
Steve tried to find a Portland abortion center with his iPhone. Here's what happened:
For the record, several clinics on our side of the river offer abortions, including the Lovejoy Surgicenter, the OHSU family planning center, and the downtown women's center. All of these come up in a Google search, so it seems suspiciously like Siri is filtering its regular web search to exclude abortions. Luckily, Steve was able to resort to the old ink-and-paper phone book. He's okay now, healthy and recovering well.
I've never gone snow skiing in my entire life. And frankly the one time I attempted water skiing was not encouraging. However over the years I've been had an increasing number of friends expound on the virtues of mellower snow sports like snowshoeing and cross country skiing—which, as was just being stressed to me over drinks last night at the Rum Club, is both extremely thigh toning and totally doable with a to-go jug of whiskey in hand. I guess I could get down with that.
For the less faint of heart, of course, there's snowboarding, and just in time for the season a new local start-up, Homeschool Snowboarding, has its outerwear on the market for the first time. If I'm in the snow trying to/not to break my neck, I'm going to care foremost about being warm and comfortable, and Homeschool addresses the need for functionality by working with tech fabric company Cocona (out of Boulder), which claims to have produced a product that wicks moisture from skin 50% faster than competing technical fabrics.
As for how they look, the majority of the designs are straightforward, which I like, though there is one crazy pattern available. Simple pants:

Portland's parks bureau has finally refined its last estimate for what it will cost to spruce up Chapman and Lownsdale Squares—home, for nearly six weeks, to Occupy Portland's Alpha and Beta Camps.
The current tally? An oddly symmetrical $85,850. (And, says spokesman Mark Ross in a statement, that doesn't include some $45,000 in staff and material costs spent during the occupation of the parks.)
The biggest chunk ($28,000) is related to what looks to be a total reconstruction of the restroom at Lownsdale Square, along SW Salmon Street. The next biggest chunk ($16,500) will pay to repair seven benches at the two parks and replace two others.
Meanwhile, parks officials (publicly) and some cops (privately) had worried about finding piss and shit and and drug needles and generator-fuel in the muck, something that could have dramatically raised costs. The good news is that no soil contamination was found.
How much does the city spend in a normal year to maintain the two parks? I've got a message into Ross and I'll update when I hear back. Update 2:15PM: Ross replied about an hour ago that, from September 8, 2010, to November 7, 2011, the parks bureau "spent just $653.14 for aeration, fertilizing, and irrigation at Lownsdale and Chapman Squares." I've now asked whether that's all the cash spent on the parks in that span.
Update 3:10PM: Ross replies:
No, there are costs for mowing, irrigation/lawn sprinkler maintenance and repair, litter pickup, garbage removal, contracted restroom cleaning, building and bench maintenance, light systems maintenance, shrub and tree care, hard surface cleaning, and leaf removal. Safety inspections possible too.
I will look into the costs for that.
Stay tuned...Update 3:40PM: Ross says the costs for the above list of work, from September 2010 to October 2011, comes to $897.31 in materials, and $18,485.19 for labor. Not chump change—but only a fraction of what Parks is currently estimating.
It should be noted that Occupy Portland has offered its hands and time (and money) to help with the cleanup. The Portland Parks Foundation has raised $33,000 so far in a fund that most supporters of Occupy seem to be using. As the Mercury reported last week, the vast majority of those giving to the fund overwhelmingly support the movement.
Update 2:50PM: Occupy media volunteer Reid Parham offered a tart assessment of what the parks looked like before Occupy Portland settled in: "The pre-occupation condition of the Lownsdale Square men's restroom included nonfunctional lights and sinks, various human excretions on the floors, and heroin-abusing inhabitants. I hope [Parks Commissioner Nick] Fish intends the parks’ 'restoration' to surpass the previous status quo."
A full breakdown of the costs is below the cut.

Those Thanksgiving leftovers are probably starting to taste a little off, huh? Lucky for you, there's been a glut of openings in the past week.
-Most exciting for me is the new & improved Tanuki. Janice Martin shuttered her tiny, beloved izakaya on NW 21st earlier this year, and has finally opened a new space out in Montaville. The menu has all the old favorites, but the new space makes room for a full bar, a deli case for cold items you can take with you, and a pinball machine. 8029 SE Stark
-Last night was the grand opening of Oven & Shaker, Cathy Whims's (Nostrana) new pizza joint. I love sitting at Nostrana's pizza bar and watching the cooks throwing and spinning their dough. Whims's partner is Aviation Gin's Ryan Magarian, so count on some excellent spirits as well. 1134 NW Everett
-As Marjorie reported last week, Boke Bowl's permananet digs are now open to the public. For the time being, their popular ramen is only available during lunch hours (you can opt for a pork-and-chicken miso, a seafood option, or a vegan caramelized fennel), but soon, on Thursday nights, they'll be serving up family-style Korean fried chicken dinners. 1028 SE Water Avenue
-Right next door to our Old Gold music editor (who, by the way, got a nice write-up in the WWeek, despite a bitter softball rivalry), comes a new Mexican restaurant from Autentica's Oswaldo Bibiano. Mextiza is a casual eatery with an expansive menu that touches on several different regions of Mexican fare. Prices are in the $8-$12 range (and they've got 60 brands of tequilla to choose from!). 2103 N Killingsworth
People keep insisting Occupy Portland is running out of gas. Occupy Portland—and others will disagree whether this a good or a bad thing—keeps proving those people wrong.
Saturday, December 3, is looking like another Big Day for the movement. Occupiers on Monday night voted to hold a massive rally that afternoon at the Salmon Springs Fountain, and then march to a new campsite at a still-secret location. The plan has been weeks in the works, but organizers are closely guarding the details lest police get word of what's coming.
Bring your tents, your sleeping bags, and prepare yourself for a night of non-violent protest while we celebrate the reoccupation of another park with live music and a showing of the film Meltdown: The Secret History of the Global Financial Collapse. Bring your own musical instruments, hula hoops, food for the potluck and positive attitudes! We will be having a Reoccupation Open Forum starting at 2PM at Salmon Springs Fountain at the south end of Waterfront Park. THEN WE MARCH, starting at 3PM, to occupy another park! We have our committees, our working groups, and our experience from the previous occupation. We have a plan, we have sustainability, and we have security culture.
But while there was consensus at the meeting where this idea was approved, it should be noted there's hardly consensus among the broader movement. Comics journalist Matt Bors, a Mercury pal, was live-tweeting last night's Occupy spokes council meeting and reported that some occupiers, especially the group's women's caucus, aren't so sure the new "security culture" will do enough to solve some of the safety concerns that emerged in the previous camp.
The reoccupation rally comes hours before a town hall on the future of Occupy Portland at the First Unitarian Church downtown. The church has been a staunch Occupy ally, helping occupiers find housing after the eviction and hosting meetings before and after. The town hall, which needs RSVPs by Thursday, is planned for 5:30 PM.
Beyond that, Occupy Portland has joined a call issued by Occupy groups up and down the West Coast to shut down Pacific Ocean ports on December 12. And there is also a tentative proposal to storm Chapman and Lownsdale squares on December 6, tear down the fences that remain in place some two weeks after the eviction, and start raking all the leaves and cleaning the place.
Update 2:45PM: Mayor Sam Adams' office says "all parks rules will be enforced at all parks," and that no structures will be allowed. However,"demonstrating is allowed during the hours parks are open, as long as all park rules are followed."
I'm typically no fan of comedians with guitars, but Nick Thune gets a pass because he doesn't so much sing funny songs as just cradle his guitar like a giant security blanket while strumming gently and telling jokes. (It goes with the beard, I guess.) Anyway, he was funny at the Bridgetown Comedy fest last spring, and presumably he'll be funny again at Helium tonight. Tickets here.

So just who is in the Secret Drum Band? We can't tell you. It's a secret.
Okay, FINE. The Secret Drum Band's ranks include Rachel Blumberg, Clea Partridge, plus Schonberg's STLS bandmate sts and her former Explode into Colors bandmate Heather Treadway, who will also be outfitting the ensemble for the two performances. Rounding out the group is Marisa Anderson and Tara Jane Oneil, who will be on guitar and lap steel.
Considering who's involved, this sounds entirely amazing. Schonberg elaborates on the piece, for which she received a grant from the Regional Arts and Culture Council:
I have been working on this project in the basement, at the beach, in the van, and in the woods all year long, and it has been a challenging and rewarding departure from my recent work. The rhythms and arrangements were inspired by natural and urban soundscapes, and by transcribing the beats that are stuck in my head onto paper. I presented the compositions to the ensemble, and we together arrived at a final arrangement.w/Golden Retriever, the Bubs, Sad Horse; Backspace, 115 NW 5th, Tues Dec 13, 8 pm, $5, all ages
w/Marisa Anderson, 1939 Ensemble; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, Wed Dec 14, 8:30 pm, $5, 21 & up
This is not a practical idea. I can't imagine it will take off. But I don't care, because I want the Little Printer in my house:
You choose the sources you want from an app on your iPhone or Android smartphone, and the data is beamed wirelessly to the thermal printer (no ink refills!) from the included Berg Cloud Bridge, which plugs into your router...BERG's CEO, Matt Webb, sees it as the perfect medium. He says that "paper is like a screen that never turns off. You can stick to the fridge or tuck it in your wallet. You can scribble on it or tear it and give it to a friend."
Adorable!
Got a stupid, stupid crying baby at home that JUST... WON'T... SHUT... UP? Well, first of all, you have no one to blame but yourself. Those are your genes the stupid baby is carrying, after all. However, while you certainly deserve the punishment of endless squalling from a mentally deprived idiot baby, your neighbors and those around you certainly do not. That's why I'm sharing the following fool proof tip for silencing your stupid, crying, stupid baby. OBSERVE:
That's right. Shut UP, you stupid baby.

Holocene—Unifactor: Litanic Mask, The Crow, DJ Cenobites, 9 pm, $3
Doug Fir—Thee Oh Sees, Total Control, Grave Babies, 5:30 pm, $13, all ages
The Know—Green Noise Records Night: The Estranged, Atrocity Exhibition, DJ Ken Dirtnap, 8 pm
Mississippi Studios—Scott Kelly, Mike Scheidt, Jay Munly, Bob Wayne, 9 pm, $10-12
The Old Church—Video Release Screening: Ashia & The Bison Rouge, Led to Sea, Grey Anne, 8 pm, $3-12, all ages
Someday Lounge—The Volt Per Octaves, Pleassure, Grrlfriend, Loaded for Bear, 9 pm, $6, all ages
What is it with conservatives and Titanic soundtrack knockoffs, anyway?
Page 23, a short made as part of the 48-Hour Film Project:
I imagine that this is exactly what daily life is like in Sweden.
Via io9.
GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! I blow kisses, that put them boys on rock rock, and they be linin' down the block just to watch what I got. LET'S GO TO PRESS.
Over one thousand cops raid Occupy LA and Philadelphia early this morning, making 200 arrests in LA, 52 in Philly and using what they say was "minimal force"... like shooting protesters out of trees with beanbag rounds.
The first lawsuit against former Penn State assistant coach Jerry Sandusky is filed, and alleges a child was sexually abused "over one hundred times." YEEEEEEEESH!
The woman accusing GOP contender Herman Cain of having a "casual affair" with her say they boned on and off for 13 years. Gaaaah-ross.
Two million public service workers walk off the job today in Britain, protesting a proposed pension reform. (Two million workers? Isn't that like three-quarters of the country?)
The Federal Reserve teams up with global central banks to make it easier for foreign countries to borrow dollars in a fairly desperate attempt to stop the global economy from going to hell in the proverbial handbasket.
Britain gives the finger to Iran, closing their embassy there and advising Iran to do likewise.
The USDA fines Ringling Bros. Circus $270,000 for alleged animal welfare violations. (What about their many "clown car" violations? That's cruelty, too!)
Fans of Meat Lovers Pizza rejoice: Thanks to Congress, we may all be eating horse meat soon.
Headline (so far) of the Day: "Therapist 'Brainwashed' Woman Into Believing She Was In Satanic Cult, Attorney Says." (You know... that would explain a LOT of my past behavior.)
Look guys... I know forced sterilization is wrong and all, but... Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant.
Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: WHAT'S THAT GLOWING ORB IN THE SKY?? Oh, it's sun, and you can expect it around for the next few days. Wear a sweater, though!
And finally, the most effective PSA you will ever see about why you shouldn't call things "gay."

End Hits: Putting things into your earhole, 14 bands at a time.

As Dave's Killer Bread is muscling its way into the local bagel market, beloved Kettleman's bagels just got bought out of it. The Colorado-based group that owns Einstein's Bros. and Noah's Bagels announced today that they're gobbling up Kettleman's.
Kettleman's stores will die, in name. They will be rebranded as Noah's and Einsteins. Tasty ol' Kettleman's was run by Jeffrey Wang, a Korean Taiwanese immigrant who came to Portland via New York, spotted a gaping hole in Portland's kosher bagel market, and scrounged the capital to start his bagel business in 2006. The company today employs 100 people, produces 12,000 bagels a day, and, in my humble opinion, makes much better bagels than Noah's.
It's unclear whether the recipe for Kettleman's bagels is going away, along with the name—it's possible they could still continue selling Kettleman's bagels under the Noah's name. Don't worry, I'm calling the Kettleman's about this RIGHT NOW.
So, it's holiday season, and there's all this pressure to shop, and furthermore you're supposed to shop locally and ethically. This can get expensive. Luckily, before it filled up with awesome, forward thinking boutiques (awesome, but typically involving a little saving), the backbone of Portland's independent apparel scene was its abundance of treasure filled vintage stores, and even as shops selling new items continue to proliferate, that scene continues to expand. Case in point in the freshly opened Reunion, a bitty little spot snuggled beside Discourage Records on SE 18th and Morrison. It may be small and off the beaten path, but a glance at the selection reveals a wealth of treasures priced to move. Some people can get a little icked out (still, amazingly) by the idea of giving or getting vintage clothing as gifts, but if you stick to things that are particularly unique, in good condition, and on the opposite spectrum from intimates like swimwear, you should be fine. Are you really going to find a hat like this at Urban Outfitters? (Well, maybe, but it would be a knockoff piece of shit.)


HICKS—I didn't even know "hicksploitation" was a genre, and yet? The Hollywood Theatre's offering up a Hicksploitation Double Feature tonight, with 1975's White Line Fever (billed as Vanishing Point... with semi trucks!) and 1976's Dixie Dynamite, in which two beautiful moonshine minxes go after a corrupt cop. Sign me up! EH
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, White Line Fever at 7:30 pm, Dixie Dynamite at 9:30 pm, $7 for both movies
CH-CH-CHANGES—Tonight, catch the editor of The Nation, Katrina vanden Heuvel, at Powell's discussing her new book, The Change I Believe In: Fighting for Progress in the Age of Obama. Pick vanden Heuvel's brain about her take on the first years of the Obama administration—hint: it's positive—and hear some excerpts from her collection of commentaries. AZ
Powell's City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 7:30 pm, FREE
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