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Monday, November 14, 2011

SL Letter of the Day: Easing Him Into It (And It Into Him)

Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Nov 14, 2011 at 10:29 AM

I'm a relationshipped 27-year old gay man. I've been with my beau for the better part of a year. The sex is great. Until I started dating him, I would've called myself a top/vers—but I quickly realized he was a full-time, un-vers top. Since then it's pretty much been a one way street. I've enjoyed learning the ways of bottoming. I'm proud of the progress I've made. I genuinely like getting fucked. I get fucked all the time. But I miss topping. And every time I try to talk to him about this issue, he explains that it just isn't comfortable for him. It also seems like it is a mental/emotional hurdle for him to wrap his head around the idea of getting fucked by me, and my pleas to let me fuck him usually seem to turn him off. The problem is that the longer it goes on, the more I resent the fact that he's so inflexible and I always have to be the one to get the pipe. But I also understand that I can't physically make him like something he doesn't really enjoy. What's my recourse here? Is there a way to talk about it that will make it better? Special pill that will make my boyfriend want to get fucked?

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Bottoming Too Much?

My response after the jump...

··············

Have you considered asking to "top" your boyfriend during a simple, non-threatening, nobody-actually-gets-fucked frottage session?

The mental/emotional/physical stakes are lower, as there's no penetration, just your dick sliding between his cheeks or thighs. You'll be thrusting your dick in and through his crack and along his sphincter—but not into him. You might find your boyfriend to be more, er, receptive if you're "just" asking for that.

And here's your secret agenda: it's possible that a few—or a few dozen—frottage-to-completion sessions will help your boyfriend get over his fear of your dick getting near his ass, BTM, if fear is truly the block. But whatever you do don't ask or attempt to upgrade to anal penetration when you're topping him during a frottage session. Your goal is to get him to relax, maybe enjoy a little bankshot anal pleasure, and gradually warm idea of you maybeoneday fucking his ass.

Pressure a penetrationphobic gay dude to let you fuck him during what was sold to him as a frottage session or—God forbid—just go for it, BTM, and that happy day will never come.

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