This Week in the Mercury


Friday, November 25, 2011

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Denis C. Theriault on Fri, Nov 25, 2011 at 9:45 AM

So... anyone feeling conspicuously consumptive this morning? Black Friday—the day after our gluttony-and-phony-thanks holiday, and a far better barometer of American values—was delightfully awful this year, and all without help from Occupy protesters out to show it up for the sham it is. A woman in Southern California actually fucking pepper-sprayed a crowd of would-be Wal-Mart shoppers (who may have deserved it on principle), and other reports mention gunfire. Locally, there was lots of shitty wee-hours traffic, according to breathless Oregonian reports. Stay tuned to Blogtown for our coverage of Occupy Portland's Black Friday plans later today.

More violent, but way more meaningful, Egypt's "Last Chance Friday" protests appear to have helped deliver a new prime minister with more power and sway than the last puppet appointed by the country's post-Mubarak military rulership. The White House is now piling on the generals to officially step aside as promised.

Sorry, dorks! The new Twilight may actually be hazardous to your health. If you see it, make sure you bring a friend who can keep you from choking on your thick, sloppy tongue.

A year ago tonight, Mohamed Mohamud—thanks exclusively to FBI prodding and FBI materials—called a cell phone that he thought was inside a van on SW 6th and Yamhill, hoping to kill dozens of people at the Portland's tree-lighting ceremony. Where his case stands today.

Wow, yes, uh-huh, how true, etc.
Sears catalog model Mitt Romney has some mighty purty fancy-man's hair.

Good morning, dolt! One of the more-forgettable winners of a televised popularity-and-pabulum singing contest for middle Americans loused up the words to our country's revered victory song yesterday, just before a sacred gladiator contest between helmeted men.

God hates Christmas, too.
He or She has visited a drought upon the people who grow the pagan trees misappropriated for the celebration of His or Her Son's Immaculate Birth.

In super-exciting car news, NASA is about to rocket the most enhanced sports-utility vehicle ever built over to Mars. Soccer moms will soon follow! (The John Amos who wrote this article, sadly, is not the John Amos who played on TV's Good Times.)

IT AIN'T EASY BEING GREEN, SON! NO IT AIN'T!

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