It Also Features Maggie Smith's Arse Biscuits
If you remember, yesterday was the WORST NEWS DAY EVER because it was announced that Portland's Kettleman's Bagels is being bought out by squishy bread manufacturer Noah's.
While all the Kettleman's Bagels are being rebranded as either Noah's or Einstein's in coming months, the important question remained: Would they continue selling the same bagels? Or would Kettleman's dump the boiled perfection that's gathered it a local following and switch to stamping holes through salt-covered dinner rolls?
I just got off the phone with retail member Ruth Moore at Kettleman's HQ she says, "The way we make bagels is staying the way it is." So no recipe switch. So no need to go stockpile Kettleman's Bagels in your deep freeze.
For now. The suspicious side of me thinks it's impossible that Noah's would operate stores that don't sell Noah's bagels—even if they have a local following, I think the franchise would want to side with consistency. I think they'll not change the recipe for now, to avoid a full-on customer revolt, but once we've settled into getting bagels from Noah's, they'll transition from the current recipe to the ol' dinner rolls.
In the history of PORTLAND SELL OUTS, I'd have to put Kettleman's at the top. From worst sell-out to least-worst-sell-out, here's my list:
1) Kettleman's Bagels. ARRGGGHHHHH.
2) Tazo Tea, which recently dumped us for the Seattle 'burbs.
3) Stumptown, which got "major investment" from NYC investors.
4) McTarnahan's, which was also sold to Seattle forever ago.
5) Fred Meyer, which was bought by Kroger to create the world's largest grocer!