This Week in the Mercury
Friday, December 2, 2011
Crafty How Should I Mount Santa?
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Dec 2, 2011 at 3:30 PM
Guess what? I just bought one of those plastic light-up outdoor Santas—almost exactly like this one!
Anyway, I'm planning on putting it up on my roof next to the chimney this weekend, so people will look up at it and say, "WHAT THE FUCK??? Is that Santa up on that roof???" It'll be good for a laff.
ANYWAY. I just realized I've never mounted a plastic Santa Claus on a rooftop, and Google is being absolutely no help. That's why I'm turning to the mechanically minded denizens of Blogtown to instruct me on the proper way of putting a plastic Santa on a roof, so that he won't fall off during the slightest breeze. Do I need to make a wooden stand for it or something? How do I keep it level on the pitch of the roof? Do I need to wire it down? HALLLLP!
2
1) Stand firmly on ground and grasp your plastic Santa by its electrical cord.
2) Begin to swing your Santa by the cord in a wide circle, using gravity to increase your Santa's momentum.
3) When you feel like you've reached the peak of throwing power, release the Santa at the point where he'll fly toward your roof in an arc.
If you're lucky, your Santa will land on your roof in tact in an upright position. If not, pull your Santa back down and start the process over at Step 1.
2) Begin to swing your Santa by the cord in a wide circle, using gravity to increase your Santa's momentum.
3) When you feel like you've reached the peak of throwing power, release the Santa at the point where he'll fly toward your roof in an arc.
If you're lucky, your Santa will land on your roof in tact in an upright position. If not, pull your Santa back down and start the process over at Step 1.
3
First, don't be a pussy. Use a 12 gauge shotgun and blow Santa's weak plastic base off (aim at those black boots, the stand should be removed at least to his knees). Next, use a power drill to open up a 3/8" inch hole at the top of Santa's head. As sunset nears, get up on your roof and position Santa towards the street, or where ever is optimal for your house (make sure you bring a black extension cord to run from your lights to Santa). Use one hand to keep Santa level, and use the other hand to pour several bottles Gorilla Glue through the pre-drilled hole. The glue will settle quickly, after only about 10 minutes. When the glue is mostly finished setting, let your neighbors know of your accomplishment by firing a couple more shells from that 12 gauge into the air, while screaming widely. This will inform your neighbors at about 1) what a bad-ass you are, 2) that you don't fuck with Christmas, & 3) your house is the best celebration even if your wife left you and she took the kids.
Happy Holidays Steve!
Happy Holidays Steve!
4
how about sand bags and black plastic? assuming the roof is not so pitched the sand bags would slide off they would mold to the shape of the roof and act as a shim to set Santa in the correct position. Wrap some wire around Santa's base and around one of the sand bags. Use fishing line (so as to be stealthy) to leash Santa to the chimney. Wrap the sand bags with the black plastic to hide them.
Not sure if this would work, but seems simple enough.
Not sure if this would work, but seems simple enough.
8
i suggest you get really drunk, then climb a ladder holding: santa, a beer, and a nail gun.
try some sort of indiana jones jump off ladder/barrel roll on roof.
chug the beer, shoot the nail gun through santa's feet onto the roof, and barrel roll back onto the ladder.
yell something along the lines of "merry f'ing christmas, jerks!"
try some sort of indiana jones jump off ladder/barrel roll on roof.
chug the beer, shoot the nail gun through santa's feet onto the roof, and barrel roll back onto the ladder.
yell something along the lines of "merry f'ing christmas, jerks!"
10
A Special Newstodd Health Report:
Silent Heart Attacks:
These 4 Things Happen
Right Before An Attack
1. Attempting to Mount Santa on the Roof
2. Attempting to be Mounted by Santa on the Roof
3. Impersonating Santa While Mounting Santa on the Roof
4. Mounting Santa While Impersonating Dr. Andrew Weil on the Roof
Silent Heart Attacks:
These 4 Things Happen
Right Before An Attack
1. Attempting to Mount Santa on the Roof
2. Attempting to be Mounted by Santa on the Roof
3. Impersonating Santa While Mounting Santa on the Roof
4. Mounting Santa While Impersonating Dr. Andrew Weil on the Roof
12
Wa-la:
Easiest and most secure method would be to build a stand for the jolly fellow. Using a piece of plyboard and two legnths of 2x4, stand the 2x4's on end with the wide side(s) facing the same direction set the plyboard on the top of the 2x4's and nail it to them on using 2 - 8p (8penny) nails per side. Take this assembly to the edge of your roof and set the plyboard on the roof with the 2x4's hanging over the edge. Set the ply to where it looks level and mark the 2x4's where they need to be cut to remain level if it were sitting on the roof. Attach your santa using some tie wire wrapped securly around his feet with holes drilled in the ply as needed.
Alternatly, you can use some drywall screws and screw them into the bottom of his feet. This is not recommended in high wind areas as they might pull free.
Go up on the roof and have someone hand you the santa and place him where you want him. Using some 1 1/2" deck or drywall screws secure the ply at the edge that contacts the roof. Then toe nail (insert at a 30 degree angle) the 2x4's to the roof using 2" screws of the same type. Do not over tighten the screws to the point where they loose grip (strip out).
After the holiday season remove the screws and lift up carefully on the roof tiles you put the screws through. Apply a small dollop of henrys roofing mastic to fill the holes and press down on the tile to seal it
Easiest and most secure method would be to build a stand for the jolly fellow. Using a piece of plyboard and two legnths of 2x4, stand the 2x4's on end with the wide side(s) facing the same direction set the plyboard on the top of the 2x4's and nail it to them on using 2 - 8p (8penny) nails per side. Take this assembly to the edge of your roof and set the plyboard on the roof with the 2x4's hanging over the edge. Set the ply to where it looks level and mark the 2x4's where they need to be cut to remain level if it were sitting on the roof. Attach your santa using some tie wire wrapped securly around his feet with holes drilled in the ply as needed.
Alternatly, you can use some drywall screws and screw them into the bottom of his feet. This is not recommended in high wind areas as they might pull free.
Go up on the roof and have someone hand you the santa and place him where you want him. Using some 1 1/2" deck or drywall screws secure the ply at the edge that contacts the roof. Then toe nail (insert at a 30 degree angle) the 2x4's to the roof using 2" screws of the same type. Do not over tighten the screws to the point where they loose grip (strip out).
After the holiday season remove the screws and lift up carefully on the roof tiles you put the screws through. Apply a small dollop of henrys roofing mastic to fill the holes and press down on the tile to seal it
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