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Monday, December 12, 2011

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Dec 12, 2011 at 9:31 AM

GOOD MORNING, NEWS! Went to $hort Dog's house, they was watchin Yo! MTV Raps. What's the haps on the craps? LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Occupy protesters are shutting down ports all along the west coast today—what's currently happening at our Port of Portland? Stay tuned to Blogtown for the broad strokes, and follow @theriaultpdx (that's Denis, yo!) for the minute-to-minute blow-by-blow! (That sounds super dirty.)

Obama met today with Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki to discuss ongoing troop withdrawal and laugh about that one time when President Bush declared "Mission Accomplished." Ha! Good times... good times....

Syrian protesters are up against a government deadline to stop their demonstrations by tonight, or possibly face massacre.

Highly loathed security firm Blackwater has changed its name in a sad attempt to polish their shitty reputation. Their new name? "ACADEMI." Ooh, tries to sound smart.

In the coming months, the Supreme Court will be hearing a challenge to Arizona's assholian strict immigration law.

Mitt Romney now plays the role of the underdog as polls put him far behind the current leader (YAY!!!) the unelectable and insane Newt Gingrich.

Former Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega returns to the country that the U.S. forced him out of 22 years ago to serve time for his crimes.

Lindsay Lohan loses $10,000. Tell you what... in this case? Whoever has it can keep it.

Today in OH SHIT: A mysterious planet-sized object (that may or may not be a cloaked alien spaceship) is currently hovering near Mercury. OH SHIT.

As Ezra reported yesterday, 39-year-old b-ball player Kurt Thomas has been signed to play for the Blazers. Begin hilarious ageist jokes about Metamucil and Matlock... NOW!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Sunny days and foggy mornings continue till Thursday!

And finally, another school play ruined by a vomiting witch. (Trust me, "vomiting witches" are gonna replace "planking" in 2012!)

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