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Friday, December 23, 2011

SL Letter of the Day: Mind The Age Gap

Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Dec 23, 2011 at 10:29 AM

I have a question, but first a foundation: Me is a 6'4" blond and blue 58 yo cracker in remarkably good shape for my age—before decrepitude started gnawing away I was a national-class extreme sports participant for 30 years. I still kayak/bike/hike but can longer compete against records (except geriatric ones).

I had the unfortunate experience of being discovered as homosexual (as it was called back then) while in a small evangelical fundamentalist college in the 70's—discovered not because I was active or anything, but because after three years the profs noticed I never dated, so my theology adviser called me into his office and said that the church did not commission unmarried evangelists or, as he so poetically put it, "No Peach, no preach." Since being gay was not an option back then, they corralled me into a barbaric "change ministry" the church had for the likes of me—what a total cluster fuck that shit does to your head and soul forever! I paid piles of money in the after-years to try and clean the crap out that they put in. So after a really serious suicide attempt failed, they abandoned me. So there I was: a bent dude of 30 who had never had any sex whatsoever.

When I was adolescent I was attracted to regular type guys in their 20s. When I was in my 20s I was attracted to guys my own age—but got perverted from those God-given desires and lassoed into that abomination of desolation called Straightening. In my 30s it was still only the occasional guy in his 20s who got my juices flowing. The 40s were the same. And now that I am over-ripe it is still (unfortunately) ONLY an occasional guy in his 20s who attracts me. I've tried all sorts of mind maneuvers and whatever to get beyond this ridiculous limitation, and theoretically would love to find a guy my age and live happy ever after until we croak... but someone my own age or thereabout simply does not work for me, and I've tried it. I do not even want sex whatsoever unless it is with a guy I'm attracted to, and the only ones who ever fit that bill are in their 20s.

So now that my pathetic foundation has been laid (unlike me) I have this question: Since I do not want nor can I even enjoy sex unless there is mutual attraction and affection, and since I am only attracted to young guys, I have given up on such ever happening. However, giving up hope of a serious and also physical relationship has led to a persistent depression that I just can't shake no matter how much I avoid the matter by doing all sorts of adventures, impossible projects and so forth.

So I ask Dan Savage, Mighty Counselor, this question: have you ever known a young man to be truly and affectionately attracted to somebody that could be his father or grandfather—and not just as a Sugardaddy?

I have much to offer, but don't have a clue.

Ain't Getting Any Younger

My response after the jump...

····················

If you had met and married a 28-year-old guy when you were 38... that guy would be 48 now, right?

You can't spend your life with someone without that person aging with you. Which means, of course, that even if you met a 20-something now who was into you, AGAY, he would one day age right out of his 20s. But love—true love—is a vaseline-smeared lens with the power to transform an entirely looks-based sexual
attraction into a life-long sexual connection.

When you're lucky.

That's no comfort, I realize, because you're not 38 anymore. So here's some comfort: there are definitely guys in their 20s out there who are into to much older guys. Have you been to DaddyHunt.com? It's where Armistead Maupin met his husband—his much younger husband. Now like all those straight female models who can't get enough of straight male billionaires, one thing some younger men might find attractive about older, more established men is the whole provider/sugardaddy thing. But that's an entirely legit attractor, in my opinion. If it's fine for you to be aroused by the body a 20-something provides you, AGAY, it's fine for that 20-something to be aroused—in part—by your ability to provide for him.

And speaking of vaseline-smeared lens... just look what one can do!

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