As we finally finish our slog through another year's worth of insipid bullshit from the halfwit twat-nozzles at the Portland Mercury, I have been asked by that publication's cocaine-addled editor-in-chief, Wm. Steven Humphrey, to "take a quick look-see through the archives to find the best Blogtown had to offer in 2011!" Mr. Humphrey's masturbatory goal is, no doubt, to remind his slack-jawed "readers" what a valuable resource the Mercury's shitty little blog is; I, however, view his request as a final opportunity to remind you retards how much time you've wasted over the past 12 months—and to urge you, yet again, to do something marginally less depressing with your time in 2012.

So every day this week, I'll be bringing you a pathetically useless Blogtown post from 2011. Should you insist on continuing to visit Blogtown during a week when most people are either on vacation or leading lives worth living, you deserve to be reminded that you are an imbecile for continuing to encourage these syphilis-slathered turds. —Frank Cassano

THE FIFTH-WORST BLOGTOWN POST OF 2011: "THE BIEBER BEAT: Happy Birthday, Beebs!" (Tuesday March 1, 2011 at 4:13 pm)

Wm. Steven Humphrey began his 4,932nd pedophilic blog post about child musician Justin Bieber with the rage-inducing phrase, "Geez! I can't belieb I nearly let the day slip away without saying, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JUSTIN BIEBER! (He turns a nearly legal 17-years-old today.)"

CONFIDENTIAL TO THE PORTLAND POLICE: You have allowed Mr. Humphrey free reign throughout your embarrassing little city for entirely too many years, despite a nauseating amount of evidence that decisively proves he should be behind bars, castrated, or, preferably, both. As 2012 approaches, I demand you stop "hugging it out" with those Occupy Portland street urchins and, instead, take immediate action on an issue that actually matters.