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Thursday, December 29, 2011

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Denis C. Theriault on Thu, Dec 29, 2011 at 9:04 AM

Good news, y'all! There's still time to make the "died in 2011" list!

Someone/something who/that might not have died
this year: Cheetah, the chimp who starred in the old 1930s Tarzan movies. A Florida animal sanctuary tried to say one of its recently passed elderly chimps starred alongside Johnny Weismuller, but that's looking like a bunch of baloney. BALONEY.

Carrie Brownstein Carrie Brownstein Carrie Brownstein Carrie Brownstein Carrie Brownstein Carrie Brownstein Portlandia Carrie Brownstein Carrie Brownstein Carrie Brownstein Carrie Brownstein Carrie Brownstein Carrie Brownstein Carrie Brownstein.

Mitt Romney, the 1989 Montgomery Ward's Wishbook model, is surging in Iowa, according to the latest GOP horserace reporting. But, hey, look! What's that? Why, it's a thick, viscous gusher of Santorum, and it's headed his way! Heads up, Mitt!

Kim Jong Il's jowly kid
has officially been declared the "supreme leader" of North Korea, answering, for now, questions about succession plans in the tiny, brutal, starving country. (Christ, I want a haircut just like his.)

Russia has forbidden its citizens from rallying in defense of an opposition leader jailed for resisting arrest. But thousands of Russians are planning to show up and protest anyway. Which could be Vladimir Putin's cue to start cracking skulls.

Want to carry anarchist literature? Don't get on an airplane in Britain.

An Egyptian military officer journals about life during the revolution. "Most of the mid-ranking officers are completely uninterested in all the patriotic rhetoric. For them it's just stable employment with decent benefits; the majority are pretty naive and not very politically conscious, and the revolution took them by surprise."

The United States government is giving cancer to left-wing South American leaders. Seriously. There's no way that's not true.

Oh, no! Men are doing more grocery shopping! Which is news, because men and women are so different!

Wendy's hopes the Japanese will eat a $16 hamburger made of goose liver paste. It's all part of a sinister plot to take down Burger King as the world's No. 2 fast-food chain.

The best save of the Rose Bowl:
A University of Oregon lineman performs the Heimlich maneuver on a man choking to death at a pregame event called the Beef Bowl. Me, if I saw someone choking to death, I'd be more apt to do the Valsalva maneuver.

Lents neighbors want the state to prevent Portland from (maybe) stinking up their air with Mayor Sam Adams' decision to start collecting all of our collected food scraps.

Hey, stoners. Colorado joins the state of Washington and the commonwealth of Rhode Island in beseeching the Drug Enforcement Agency to reclassify dope as something that's medicinally useful.

What if Barbie were a hoarder?

At the "birthplace" of "Jesus," a fight erupts among priests and monks swinging large sticks and refusing to turn the other cheek. It's a new part of the Mass called the Passing of the Whoop-Ass.

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