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Friday, December 30, 2011

Frank Cassano's "Blogtown: A Year in Review"

Posted by Frank Cassano on Fri, Dec 30, 2011 at 9:59 AM

FRANK CASSANO
  • FRANK CASSANO
As we finally finish our slog through another year's worth of insipid bullshit from the halfwit twat-nozzles at the Portland Mercury, I have been asked by that publication's cocaine-addled editor-in-chief, Wm. Steven Humphrey, to "take a quick look-see through the archives to find the best Blogtown had to offer in 2011!" Mr. Humphrey's masturbatory goal is, no doubt, to remind his slack-jawed "readers" what a valuable resource the Mercury's shitty little blog is; I, however, view his request as a final opportunity to remind you retards how much time you've wasted over the past 12 months—and to urge you, yet again, to do something marginally less depressing with your time in 2012.

So every day this week, I'll be bringing you a pathetically useless Blogtown post from 2011. Should you insist on continuing to visit Blogtown during a week when most people are either on vacation or leading lives worth living, you deserve to be reminded that you are an imbecile for continuing to encourage these syphilis-slathered turds. —Frank Cassano

THE WORST BLOGTOWN POST OF 2011: "Today in Unnecessary and Vaguely Insulting Instructions" (Tuesday February 22, 2011 at 2:13 pm)

This was a post in which Ned Lannamann described, in excruciating detail, how he opened a package of cheese. I do not exaggerate when I note that it is the stupidest goddamn thing on the internet.

Mr. Lannamann's "post" is, essentially, a transcription of a "stand-up comedy bit" he might perform at an establishment going by the name of "Chuckle's Comedy Club." "So how about that packaged cheese, folks, am I right?" Mr. Lannamann would mumble, nervously sweating, his voice cracking with desperation. "Cheese! Am I... am I... right. Folks." The difference between Chuckle's and the internet, however, is that on the internet, is is impossible to throw anything—a tomato, a chair, a cleaver—at Mr. Lannamann in order to shut him up.

cheese.png

Hope you've enjoyed Blogtown this year, dipshits. It's page views like yours that allow Mr. Lannamann to continue writing about opening packages of cheese. All of you are imbeciles, and I wish you nothing but the misery you deserve in 2012.

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