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Tuesday, January 3, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: The Best Laid Plans

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Jan 3, 2012 at 10:29 AM

I'm hoping you can advise me. I've been with my husband for almost 10 years, and though our libidos and sexual appetites were never 100% in sync, they seem to be 180 degrees from each other now. I was pretty active sexually—with men, women, threesomes, pegging, etc.—when we met. I gave up most of my fetishes when we got together because I loved and needed him more than them. I have no regrets on that score, because our relationship has been a really happy one, even with vanilla sex. My mind is still a deliciously dirty place, which has helped keep our sex life a lot of fun, on my end at least.

But here we are 10 years later, and I haven't been able to get him to have intercourse with me in over four months. He'd love it if I gave him a blowjob every day, but he acts so put upon if I want him to go down on me that it's actually not worth asking. I mean, I feel like my partner would rather have root canal than give me an orgasm. We've had discussions about whether I smell, taste, or look bad (he says no to all three); his response is that it "takes so long" to get me off that oral sex inflames his TMJ and he's sore for days afterwards. So, then I feel guilty and don't even ask, while at the same time seething that he could be trying new things to get me off in quicker than 30 minutes. He hasn't offered anything to me in close to a year; it's all me initiating/pleading. So, in 6 months, I think we've had some form of sex (usually just a blow job) maybe 5 times. When I get him off, he says stuff like "I should have gotten you off first," but then he never initiates.

We both masturbate plenty, which is probably why we're not tearing each others' eyes out at the end of each day. But I feel like we're fast becoming roommates who share a bed. There's still a fair bit of kissing, but it's just comfortable, not heated. Am I doomed to a solo-sex life? We're in our early 40s, no kids. I'd divorce him before taking a lover, but I don't want to do either.

No Longer Sexually Compatible

My response after the jump...


I would advise you to take a lover (Plan A) or get a divorce (Plan B)... but you've ruled out those pieces of advice, so I'll move on to plans C, D, and E.

Plan C: Stop giving him blowjobs—not in anger, not to retaliate, not in an effort to blackmail him into going down on you. (Is anything less arousing than oralchores performed under duress?). No, stop sucking his dick because the lack of sexual reciprocity in your marriage is making you feel unloved, taken for granted, and badly used by an inconsiderate spouse—and it's those feelings that pose a potentially fatal threat to your marriage, not this four-month dry spell. (You do realize that most people in decade+ LTRs have endured longer dry spells, right? Most have—and you'll be hearing from some of them in the comment thread.)

Instead of one-way oral, NLSC, I would encourage you to what works for both of you at the moment: masturbation. Pleasure yourselves together, in the same bed, without any pressure or expectations, with porn or without. Lie back in bed together, pleasure yourselves, and... just talk to each other. Just a little. Talk about what turns you on, talk about your fantasies, get him to talk about his. Keep things mellow and low-stakes (no pressure to upgrade to either oral or intercourse during these sessions), NLSC, and you'll (hopefully) re-establish a joyful sexual connection—the kind of sexual connection that you can build on, the kind that will allow you to gradually work your way back to oral and PIV intercourse without drama, accusations, or arguments.

Plan D: Buy some toys—VIBRATING toys. Silver Bullets, Hitachi Magic Wands, Pocket Altar Boys. Use them on yourself when you masturbate together, NLSC, and encourage your husband to use them on you (and use them on him!) when you touch each other during these masturbation sessions. Once you're getting back to oral, encourage him to incorporate your new toys into oral sex. Hopefully he isn't the kind of straight guy who finds toys threatening. But if he is: calmly explain to him that incorporating vibrating toys into oral sex means he'll be able to get you off lots "quicker than 30 minutes."

And no more silent seething waiting for him to "try new things," NLSC. Tell him what you want to try. If he doesn't try it, then you can seethe—but not in silence. Seethe aloud, use your words, communicate with him.

Plan E: Reconsider your opposition to plans A and B.


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