This Week in the Mercury


Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Jan 4, 2012 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Pack your grip, takin' you on a trip. Ain't no seats, All we got is dancin' feet. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

In a show of how pathetic the field of Republican candidates are, Mitt Romney barely squeaks out a victory over Rick Frothy Fecal Matter in Iowa—with Ron Paul coming in a close third. HAW! HAW! HAW! Wotta bunch of maroons.

And with that we can bid Michele Bachmann and her not-gay-at-all husband a not-so-fond adieu. (She came in SIXTH.) HAW! HAW! HAW!

AND RICK PERRY CAME IN FIFTH!! HAWWWW!! HAWWWWW!!! HAWWWW!!!!

A suspected arsonist in LA is also a suspected arsonist in his homeland of Germany, and faces what no one ever likes to hear, "a German probe."

Thanks to their scaredy-cat reaction after the death of Kim Jong il, North Korea has labeled South Korea's president a "pro-U.S. fascist maniac" and a "chieftan of evils." (Now there's a coincidence... my position here at the Mercury is "Editor in Chieftan of Evils.")

A California Catholic bishop resigns after its discovered he's the father of two teenage boys. And there was NO WAY he was going to hand them over to the church... so he's forced to take the boys on the run in this new action thriller starring Tom Hanks entitled, Keep Your Filthy Hands on My Boys, Catholic Pedophiles! (That's the working title.)

A man accuses Pepsi of finding a dead mouse in his Mountain Dew. Pepsi responds—and I'm not joking—by saying that Mountain Dew dissolves mouse carcasses. And with that, they rest their case!

Dunkin' Donuts is the new Starbucks, with plans to DOUBLE the number of their stores.

In showbiz news, Justin Timberlake is allegedly engaged to marry a bar of Ivory soap. (Okay, fine. Jessica Biel.)

Let's check and see if Daniel Baldwin is up. Yep, he's up.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: A balmy 57 degrees today with possible showers tonight that continue into tomorrow. But a dry weekend awaits!

And finally, to all you wanna-be reporters out there, this is how you handle an unruly New Years' Eve crowd. (He speaks the international language of PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!!)

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