This Week in the Mercury


Monday, January 9, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Jan 9, 2012 at 9:27 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Let's go VIP, boo raise your skirt, holla back young'n. (Hoooo Hoooo!) Holla back. (Hoooo Hoooo!) LET'S GO TO PRESS.

It's a day before the New Hampshire GOP primary, and Mittens Romney is fending off all sorts of attacks from his trailing competitors—particularly over his role in an evil corporate buyout firm.

Iran has sentenced a U.S. man to death after accusing him of spying for the CIA. (Also, coincidentally, the plot for Mission: Impossible 5.)

Medicines such as Gas-X and No-Doz get a voluntary recall—because of broken pills and some mislabeling. (Ohhh, so that's why I took No-Doz and didn't fart for a week.)

Papa John's restaurant has apologized to an Asian-American woman after one of their cashiers identified her as "lady chinky eyes" on her receipt. (Wasn't that Lady Gaga's original name?)

Two Londoners are accused of viciously beating a teen relative to death because they thought he was practicing witchcraft. See?!? All the hillbillies aren't down South!

Desperately trying to keep his new job, Charlie Sheen publicly announces "I'm not crazy anymore." Who is Charlie Sheen, again?

The Supreme Court has agreed to judge on the constitutionality of the FCC's policies—all because Cher said "fuck" on live TV. Thanks again, Cher!

Ad Age reports that big box Target has dumped Portland's Wieden + Kennedy. Both of their statements are chilly. Brrrr.

The Blazers took down the Cleveland Cavaliers last night (98-78) in a game that could best be called "snoozy." Thank god the Merc had special b-ball correspondent Bobby Roberts on hand to liven things up.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Rainy today in the mid-40s, but a sunny funny week starts tomorrow!

And finally, DON'T FORGET THAT SKATE-A-ROKE IS TONIGHT and if you want to beat the lines, get your tickets NOW AND HERE. For inspiration, here is one of the most hilariously awesome skating songs ever, De La Soul's "A Roller Skating Jam Named 'Saturdays'." SEE YOU TONIGHT AT 7:30 AT OAKS!

Comments (8)

Showing 1-8 of 8

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-8 of 8

Comments are closed.

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy