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Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Jan 11, 2012 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Some people work for a living, some people work for fun... Girl, I just work for you. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

As expected, Mittens Romney handily wins New Hampshire, and uses the opportunity to bash Europe. BECAUSE ISOLATIONISM WORKS SO WELL. (Hey, if you hate Europe so much, then stop eating croissants, Richy Rich.)

Now Romney must somehow convince the Evangelicals of South Carolina (good band name, btw) that his religion isn't so crazy—though both are super crazy. His is crazier though.

By the way, Mr. Millionaire Richy-Pants Romney, did you happen to know that nearly one-third of the middle class is suffering from downward mobility?

Michelle Obama is fighting back against the stereotype that she's an "angry black woman."

A motorcycle bomber kills one of Iran's prominent nuclear scientists, and the country is blaming us and Israel. (I think it might've been someone from the future, a' la The Terminator.)

A South African woman is killed in a stampede of people... wait for it... trying to enroll in the public university. (As opposed to America where our stampedes kill people at Walmart. Let's take a moment to shake our heads in shame.)

REJOICE POTHEADS! A new study shows that occasional pot smoking is less dangerous on the lungs than cigarettes. They said, "occasional," okay?!?

For the first time in 45 years, "murder" is not a leading cause of death. (You're slacking off, murderers!)

Hostess snack cakes files for bankruptcy?!? WHAT HAPPENS TO MY DING DONGS??

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Gusty, sunny days with highs in the low to mid-40s through Friday!

And finally, this was a prank on a North Carolina church... BUT IT WAS A GOOD PRANK! (And somewhat believable.) Via TMZ.

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