There ain't no snow by my house yet—and there probably ain't none by yours, neither. Unless you live on a mountain or large hill. But go ahead and keep busy doing what a lot of Portlanders hoped they'd get to do (all day!) today in case of snow: consuming liquor!

Survivors are still being pulled from the listing wreck of a massive luxury cruise ship that ran aground after its captain swung it perilously close to coastal rocks, maybe because he wanted to show off how nice his boat was. Backfired, didn't it?

A 17-year-old high school student from California has come up with a plausible cure for cancer.

After all, "kids," according to Rick Perry, do the damnedest things (like gleefully pissing on enemy corpses), so we should lay off 'em. "What's really disturbing to me is just, kind of, the over-the-top-rhetoric from this administration and their disdain for the military.”

Team Jesus all got together in Texas and didn't endorse Perry for president. Instead, evangelical leaders are coalescing around abortion hypocrite Rick Santorum. Why not Willard Romney? For one, he's not "consistently conservative." Another reason? His odd fever-dream religion frightens the poop out of them.

Meanwhile, for a plutocrat, Willard keeps a light wallet. He emptied it out for a woman in line waiting to meet him after she said she couldn't pay her lights bill. She came away with a meager $60.

Rupert Murdoch continues to push Twitter's envelope. "So Obama has thrown in his lot with Silicon Valley paymasters who threaten all software creators with piracy, plain thievery," he typed on his favorite Internet-enabled device, dust and chunks of skin misting forth from his dry, dessicated knuckles. The president, you see, finally decided to have a pair of free-speech-muffling anti-piracy bills put on ice.

House Republicans, returning to Washington DC after a lousy end to 2011, maybe could use some marriage counseling.

The pope says nope to a group of would-be occupiers who tried to set up camp in St. Peter's Square. Yes, turn the other cheek when the riot cops show up, so the bruising will look symmetrical. In Romania, where government protests are in their fourth day, it was tear gas.

Sabre-rattling over Iran is bad for oil prices, which is bad for the world economy, which is bad for human decency.

Enjoy monkey meat? Please don't. Unless you're okay with helping to incubate the next great AIDS/SARS-type pandemic.

DON'T BOTHER. JUST... DON'T. IT WILL NEVER BE OKAY. NEVER EVER-NEVER NEVER.