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Friday, January 20, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Jan 20, 2012 at 9:31 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Go rock with me, you deserve the best, take a few shots, let it burn in your chest. LET'S GO TO PRESS!

At last night's final GOP debate before the South Carolina primary, Newt Gingrich got a standing ovation after batting away questions of marital infidelity—because it was the elite, liberal media that cheated on his wife, and left her when she had cancer... NOT HIM!

Despite Gingrich's strong showing with the hillbillies (Yeeeee-haw!!!), the AP is giving last night's victory to Santorum, who ooooooozed out a win.

Senator Harry Reid called off a senate vote on the internet anti-piracy bill—though promised to bring it back, as soon as he downloads and watches the latest episode of New Girl.

Speaking of (ARRRGHH!!) piracy, as reported yesterday, the FBI arrested 7 members of downloading site Megaupload—and immediately hackers bombarded the Justice Department in retaliation. (The JD says they will fix the hacks as soon as they finish watching New Girl.)

WAHHH! Singer Etta James has passed away at age 73. Here's her best.

More trouble in Afghanistan where six Marines were killed in a copter accident, and four French soldiers died in an attack from Afghan soldiers.

Kenny G's wife files for separation! WHY? WHY? WHYYYYYY???

Remember the captain of that cruise ship that ran aground in Italy? The one who abandoned ship? The cook for the cruise is now saying that the captain ordered dinner after the ship hit the rocks. WORST... CAPTAIN... EVER! (Even worse than Captain Janeway. That was a Fatboy Roberts joke, btw. He hates women captains.)

OH! And don't forget to come to tonight's Mercury Winter of Fun™ event: HECKLEVISION! Where we heckle the classic film Red Dawn via texts! Because we're cowards! It'll be fun!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: RAAAAAAAIIINNN! (Not as much rain, and then...) RAAAAAAAIIIINNN!!!

And finally, happy 30th birthday to Full House's Jodie Sweetin (Stephanie Tanner)! Here is the greatest thing she's ever done, or ever will do.


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