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Friday, January 27, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Denis C. Theriault on Fri, Jan 27, 2012 at 9:29 AM

Now here's some mildly good news. A burst of economic growth over the past few months means America's GDP is now technically BIGGER than it was before the recession (we apparently measure these kinds of things with a ruler in the bathroom). But even that unexpected growth still falls disappointingly short of expectations, and, of course, no one has a job, so... yeah. Great job, America!

The United Nations Security Council may take up a resolution, backed by Arab governments, that calls for Syria's besieged boss, Bashir Assad, to step down. The most recent explosion of government slaughter in Syria's uprising left behind the bodies of women and small children.

Israel is laying the groundwork for a go-it-alone strike against Iran's nuclear facilities, which, I don't know how often the Iranians have to remind everyone, are strictly used for generating power, not making atom bombs, I mean, come on seriously.

Let's turn to the Brits for the latest updates in the GOP nomination race. The enjoyably irresponsible Daily Mail said Willard Romney ridiculed Newt Gingrich by telling him "I'd fire you." And the respectably fresh Guardian is inexplicably live-blogging the morning after the debate, with news about Romney's polling dominance.

Remember those racist newsletters bearing the mark of libertarian darling Ron Paul? Paul has played down his involvement with them, even though, y'know, his name was on them. But now a handful of his close associates say that, yes, Paul was often aware of every single word before the newsletters went out in the mail.

Apple's new CEO, Not Steve Jobs, emailed his workers a harrumphing response to the NYT's recent no-shit report on how terrible things are for the Chinese workers conscripted to work like inhuman robots to keep the cost of iPads (relatively) low while also keeping Apple's profit margins (insanely) high.

Here's another reason why using Siri all the time may, in fact, make you an asshole: "She" is a total glutton for bandwidth.

Twitter demonstrates its commitment to freedom and all that by rolling out changes that allow it to withhold tweets on a country-by-country basis.

An 11-year-old boy showed a loaded gun last night to a MAX rider who complained he bumped into her kid's stroller. She called 911 and he was taken into custody at the Old Town/Chinatown stop without incident.

THEY HAD ONLY THREE TELEVISION CHANNELS BACK IN THE OLD TIMES. SO THAT PARTLY EXPLAINS ALL THE ENTHUSIASM FOR THIS. ALSO, ONE OF THESE PEOPLE DIED YESTERDAY. AND NOT THE ONE YOU HOPED FOR, NEITHER.

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