This Week in the Mercury

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Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Feb 8, 2012 at 9:30 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! So here I am, in this Hollywood city. The city of the stars, movies, women and cars. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Frothy old Rick Santorum sweeps the Minnesota, Colorado and Missouri caucuses, squirting his victory all over Mitt Romney's face. Anybody got a wet nap?

Rick Santorum says to Fox and Friends: "We felt it, we felt it coming." Gross.

Syria's vice prez says he wants to open discussions with the protesters, and ask them to please stand still while the government drops bombs on them.

Iran claims that if necessary, it can hit U.S. targets worldwide at any time. OH, SHUT UP, FELICITY.

The 2% payroll tax cut expires at the end of February, and guess who's dragging their feet AGAIN?

Rupert Murdoch settles nine of the hacking lawsuits—barely paying a tuppence, if ya ask me, guv'nah.

Today in "UGGGHHH!!" and "Brrrrrrrrr."

Russian scientists bore into an ancient, Antarctic lake and find... OH MY GOD!!! WHAT IS THAT THING?!? NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO.... [end transmission]

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Hey!! What happened to the fucking sun?!? Fuck weather forecasts anyway.

And finally, I'M SERIOUS GUYS! Fuck our weather people! I want Tom Miller from Channel 11 in Alpena, Michigan! AND I WANT HIM NOW!

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