This Week in the Mercury


Friday, February 17, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: One Dilemma & One Success Story

Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Feb 17, 2012 at 10:29 AM

I've always been a fat girl and I always will be. I love my myself and my body, but it's been hard for me to find a guy that actually wants to be with me, and not just for sex. Until recently, I met this guy I really care about, and love. And he asked me to marry him. I should be jumping for joy, but I didn't say yes just quite yet. I have a bit of a dilemma. The guy's into so many fantasies and fetishes it's unreal, which is fine by me because most of them are a good fit with mine. Except one: he wants an open marriage. He wants me to approve of his partner before he has sex with him/her. He told me couldn't marry me if I didn't accept this. I'm all for threesomes once and awhile, but an open marriage is not really the same thing. I don't know if maybe I'm just insecure or maybe I'm just afraid of being alone. I don't want to break it off with this guy because he wants something I don't feel comfortable with. I've compromised with a lot for his fantasies and fetishes, and I'm willing to do just about anything with and for him, except this. What do I do?

The Fat Girl

My response—and a bonus letter—after the jump.

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His desire for an open relationship—particularly his desire for an open relationship in which you play a role—may be a relationship-extinction-level event. Props to him for being upfront, TFG, and I think you should give it some thought before you dump him, but you two may be fundamentally sexually incompatible.

And when I say, "give it some thought," I don't mean, "think about how he may be the only man you'll ever meet who wants to marry you and whether you should give in to his demands." I don't think you should marry him—or even stay with him—for that reason. I'm suggesting that you think about the kind of marriage he wants. (Not just open, but very open, with you interacting with his other partners.) Would that kind of openness make you unhappy or are you reacting negatively—perhaps reacting sex-negatively—because you've never given a moment's thought to being in an wide-open relationship.

If this isn't the kind of marriage you want, and if he's not willing to compromise and agree to an occasional-threeways-only arrangement, end this relationship.

And while it may have taken you a while to find this guy, TFG, that doesn't mean it'll take as long or longer to find the next guy. Straight boys into bigger girls usually need a few years to work through their shame and/or conflict about the type of woman they find attractive—because it's not the type they're "supposed to" find attractive—and most aren't ready to come out of the into-big-girls closet until they're in their late twenties or early thirties.

The boys who are into you may not have been ready to date a big girl—openly and publicly—when you were in high school or college. You'll find, as you get a little older, that finding boys gets a little easier.

I just wanted to give you a big thank you. I've been reading your column for a long time, and it really helped me become more comfortable with my kinky side. And now, finally, I have a girlfriend who is also comfortable with it. We live in different cities, although we met and became friends while living in the same one, and we've been dating for almost six months. Early on I laid my kink cards on the table (high heels, pegging), although I made it clear that I wanted to go slowly, as she was a virgin when we started dating. The next time she visited she brought a pair of heels specifically for use in the bedroom. Then, this past weekend when she visited for my birthday, she fucked my ass with a butt plug for the first time. I felt especially proud when I asked her if there was any santorum, and she said no.

Hopefully we'll work our way up to pegging soon, but for now things are pretty fantastic in the bedroom as well as outside of it. What a contrast it is with the letter writer you had recently in the sexless long-distance relationship! We had sex six times in two days, and when we're apart we usually fool around on skype a couple times a week. Her own interests are pretty vanilla, but she has discovered that she gets turned on by wearing heels for me. So, again, thank you, especially for all the advice you've given people about how to broach the topic of kinks so that it's not, "Here's this horrible thing about me," but, "Here's a fun and sexy thing I like to do."

I definitely feel like I've won the girlfriend lottery, and the emphasis you put on communication has played a big role in that. Thank you.

Boy In Heaven

The pegging-and-high-heels fetish combo has come up before—some part of the straight kinky boy's brain perceives a link between heels and pegs. Thanks for writing, BIH, and may your impending & inaugural pegging be pleasurable and santorum-free!

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