Good afternoon, and welcome to The Oscars!
Hollywood's annual sploogefest is here again! Get an adult beverage (or lots of them) and hang with me for the next several hours in watching rich people pat themselves on the back!
(I'm watching on ABC.)
4:44 I was going to wait a little bit to start posting, but I just have to say - precocious children are the worst. Even chubby ones with glasses.
4:48 Favorite dresses have been Tina Fey, Viola Davis, and Rooney Mara. Dudes' outfits are boring. Poor dudes! Hey, at least you will always make more money.
4:50 OMG, J. Lo just tried to say she's street. SORRY BILLY CRYSTAL, WE DON'T NEED YOUR JOKES. BIGGEST LOL OF THE NIGHT HAS HAPPENED.
4:55 Penelope Cruz is wearing an old lady dress.
4:56 Remember when Nick Nolte talked about his pet crow?
4:58 I went to see The Artist this morning so I could mock it tonight, but I dunno...it was pretty good!
4:59 Cameron Diaz seems about as smart as a box of rocks.
5:00 I went to LA last weekend and walked by there and they already had all of the bleachers set up, so I've basically been to The Oscars is what I'm saying.
5:03 ABC just put a countdown clock up and apparently this thing starts at 5:30??!?! Gah.
5:05 Dang, Glenn Close. You got a dude name and you're wearing a tux jacket, but DAYUMMM do you look all lady! Hotness.
5:10 Brad Pitt needs a haircut.
5:15 Aww, everybody roots for their own movie. We get it guys. You love yourselves.
5:20 Natalie Portman looks so hungry.
5:23 I want to give Tom Hanks' goatee a special Oscar for Best Way to Not Fool Anyone Into Thinking You're Edgy.
5:25 Billy Crystal and Tom Hanks's goatee should have a handshaking contest for the title of Least Threatening.
5:30 Here we go! Oof, Morgan Freeman, take off those damn earrings.
5:31 Just Bieber looks kind of like my nephew. Note to self: make money off this.
5:34 Is this the commercial they start Regal Theaters movies with??
5:35 Billy's forehead appears to have been freshly pulled over his skull.
5:37 Billy found like the 1 non-skinny guy in the room to laugh at with Jonah. Klassy.
5:40 This sucks, right? UGH. WHITE PEOPLE.
5:43 Carl the seat filler is the coolest guy there. More Carl!!!
5:45 Hugo is 2 for 2! I still haven't seen it because husband keeps being all "I don't really like cartoons" and I keep being all "1. Yes you do, and 2. It's not a cartoon!" We've had that argument like 10 times.
5:52 I love all montages ever, even when they are cheap attempts to get us to think we're enjoying the Academy Awards.
5:55 I wonder what J. Lo and Diaz were like together backstage. I imagine them playing with balls of expensive yarn with glassy eyes while smelling very nice. Oh, and The Artist won a thing.
5:57 God, I hate J. Lo. Margaret Thatcher won something. Suck it, liberals!
6:00 To summarize this clip: "We love movies, and now we're in them, so GO US!!"
6:05 I love Sandra Bullock's formal ponytail. Also, I know that Canada is another country, but "foreign" seems like a stretch.
6:09 My husband hates Christian Bale because I like Newsies too much.
6:14 I haven't seen The Help but I am happy that Octavia won. Her dress is stunning. And her speech made me smile. First time this ceremony I've experienced joy! I was rooting for Melissa McCarthy but this is still good.
6:15 I was just thinking how black women don't win enough Oscars, then remembering how I felt happy when Jennifer Hudson got the Oscar for Dreamgirls, but then she lost all that weight and became extremely boring and now she just makes horrible diet commercials. Don't pull a J. Hud, Octavia!
6:21 It's cute that they made that little movie to make fun of people who go to movies. We poor movie-goers love that shit!
6:27 Hugo is cleaning up.
6:34 Ha, Meryl Streep is NOT amused to be sitting by that guy with the popcorn. I hope she stabs him.
6:35 One of the dancers missed his jump!! Sucks to be that guy. I hope Meryl Streep stabs him, too.
6:38 That was actually extremely awesome. Time to start stretching and pretending I could make it as a dancer.
6:41 The only thing I hate more than Gwynnie singing is Gwynnie being likable. That bitch.
6:45 My husband hasn't talked much during this show but did just "WOOOO" Kung Fu Panda 2. See above re: cartoons. He is a weird guy.
6:53 Emma Stone being all young and beautiful next to tiny orange Ben Stiller is hilarious to me. Ugh, she is so freaking cool.
7:00 Oh, the old guy won! That is a fantastic suit. He looks like a present-day version of the main guy from The Artist. And did you see how slow J. Lo was to stand up to applaud him? She is horrible.
7:10 My brother just chatted me about how lame this show is. "I am going to make an alterego to Billy Crystal called Franky Emerald, and my angle is my jokes are funny."
7:12 Does everybody notice the horrible audio quality?? I thought it was my tv but now I blame the academy.
7:16 I wish Will Farrell and Zach Galifinakis were hosting. I would watch them crash cymbals in Angelina's angular face for 3 hours, no problem.
7:17 YES! MUPPET VICTORY! BRET MCKENZIE!! So awesome.
7:18 Aw, Jason Segel was tearing up.
7:20 Let's be real for a minute: I am going to pay to go see Titanic 3D.
7:24 HOLY CRAP ANGELINA, COVER UP YOUR COOTER. AND WEAR LESS LIP GLOSS. BE BE LESS...YOU.
7:29 Woody Allen won for Midnight in Paris! That is great. I loved that movie. Ha, and he's not even there. Woody Allen is cool.
7:34 More words on Angelina Jolie: now, I don't like her, but she has been beautiful, with nice style. But her dress looks awful!! Like she was going for full sexpot, but it does not fly with her tiny-ass arms and super gaunt face. Salma Hayek could have broken hearts in that dress. Not a skeleton lady.
7:37 The Bridesmaids ladies are stunners. I want to be in a pillow fight with them.
7:40 Scorcese shots with Rose and Melissa! WHY ARE THEY NOT MY BEST FRIENDS.
7:49 OMG I AM SO BORED.
7:52 Best director to The Artist! I'm not going to try to write his name because it had like 20 As in it. He thanked the dog! I really did think it was a sweet movie. Yeah, gimmicky, but so great to watch.
7:55 The Academy Awards are seriously just, like, the longest and most tedious handjob ever.
7:56 Maybe it's that I've been drinking for a while already, but I am sleepy as shit. ERRR RECORD SCRATCH OPRAH ON THE TV. I'm awake again.
7:57 No more Oprah. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
8:02 Aw sweet, the in memoriam section. No more Academy Awards ceremonies for those guys. Lucky bastards.
8:06 This show really is just painfully boring, isn't it? Don't they usually have live performances of the nominated songs? I missed the reason that stopped happening.
8:10 Oh god, actors being fucking self-congratulatory again. Julia Roberts saying she acts to learn about herself. Of course! Not the money! Just the self-discovery. CUZ THEY'RE NOBLE YOU GUYS. Barf.
8:13 I saw A Better Life on a red-eye over the holidays and I was like, whoa, a good airplane movie?!? That actor was fantastic.
8:15 FACT: Gary Oldman is baller.
8:16 Natalie "Harvard grad" Portman should know better than to clap into the fucking microphone.
8:18 Jean Dujardin is pretty easy on the eyes, isn't he. He looks like Justin Theroux's cool older brother.
8:19 French people are whimsical.
8:23 Strong-jawed foreign men are taking over the ceremony, and I'm cool with that.
8:28 MERYL STREEP! MERYL STREEP!
8:30 She. Is. A. Perfect. Human.
8:31 The aspiring comic known as Billy Crystal needs to loosen up his scalp hat. His forehead looks like it's about to pop and spill brains everywhere.
8:33 The Artist gets best picture!
8:35 THE DOG IS ON STAGE. I REPEAT: THE DOG IS ON STAGE.
8:36 No mouth kiss?! Denied!
8:37 The show is over! Go home, everybody. I should have mentioned my drinking game where I take a shot whenever the camera pans to Angelina Jolie looking like a smug bitch. I am fucking drunk.
8:38 Thanks for hanging out with me on the webs! I realize you had 25 million live blogs to choose from, and I am beyond perplexed that you chose this one. See y'all in the comments. Love, Joneser.
Get the best of the Mercury each week in your inbox!