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Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Feb 29, 2012 at 9:27 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! I need your love and I won't bring no pain; a little birdie told me that you feel the same. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Happy Leap Day, everybody! Don't forget... do whatever you want, because this day doesn't count.

Also expect a lot of hoopla downtown today, Occupy Portland is marching to protest corporate influence in politics. (Not us, we have absolutely no influence in these matters.) Stick with Blogtown starting around 11 am and through the afternoon for all the up-to-the-minute deets!

Wait just a goddamn second... North Korea agrees to suspend it's nuclear weapons testing in exchange for U.S. food and aid? IT'S... A... TRAP!!!

Rupert Murdoch's son James has stepped down from his job as head of Britain's News International, in regards to that phone hacking royal clusterfuck. Cheerio, James!

Romney squeaks out a victory in Michigan, walks away with Arizona (shock), and the groundwork is laid for Super Tuesday—where everything will probably be thrown into turmoil again. (Yay!)

Violent storms (featuring a swirl of tornadoes) slam the Midwest, killing five and injuring over 100.

The 17-year-old kid who shot up that Ohio high school says he chose his victims at random—though police have yet to reveal any motive.

A new study reveals that financially, Apple is worth more than Poland. Maybe... but at least Poland doesn't use slave labor to produce a delicious Pierogi.

The Navajo Nation tribe is suing hipster store Urban Outfitters for using the name "Navajo" on their products. (Oh, and don't forget to also sue them just because they're jerks.)

Sorry future generations—Snooki is pregnant.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Snow sputters today and tomorrow, showers on Friday and Saturday, and (hopefully) a dry Sunday.

And finally, because apparently your loins demand it, here is Kate Upton boning a hamburger.

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