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Friday, March 2, 2012

Honoring the Ground Rules

Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Mar 2, 2012 at 10:29 AM

From this week's "Savage Love":

To others out there with partners who have agreed to have a threesome: Sometimes, a nervous wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend sets ground rules for an inaugural threesome that seem arbitrary, because they are arbitrary. (Don't use tongue when you kiss the other person, don't use my favorite tit clamps on the other person, you can put your penis in the hole in the other person's face but not in the hole[s] in the other person's swimsuit area.) When your partner declares a particular kiss/toy/orifice out of bounds, he or she isn't just holding something back because it's special. They are also measuring your ability to respect their boundaries. Respecting your partner's boundaries—honoring those ground rules—sends a message: "I may be messing around with someone else with your okay, but I love you, and your emotional and sexual needs still come first."

And once a nervous wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend sees with their own eyes that their ground rules are going to be respected—once they see that their partners can mess around with someone else without forgetting who matters to them most—those ground rules tend to become less restrictive.

Today a reader writes...

Awesome advice to "Heartbroken" this week—and I'm speaking as someone in a non-monogamous marriage, who started off with MFF threesomes but gave my husband the "no penis in her vagina" rule. He followed it to the T until I gave him the go ahead, and now we both screw other people. If my husband had messed up the first time, we never would have gotten this far.

Woman Over Wisconsin

P.S. Are you still accepting stories about non-monogamous marriages? I'd love to write ours up if you're thinking about a collection.

Yes, WOW, still collecting monogamish stories. Write yours up, send it in.

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