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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Homewrecking

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Mar 6, 2012 at 10:29 AM

A few days ago it came out that I slept with a good friend's husband. I know I'm an asshole. I feel terrible. Their marriage was on the rocks before I met them, and they were in the process of separating. But finding out a woman she befriended had slept with her husband certainly hasn't helped matters. We only had sex twice last summer. I didn't get close to the wife until after that summer. We would drink and talk—but I never came clean about what I had done. I know it's far too late to take anything back now, but my question is: How do I handle the fallout? The wife is as okay with me as she can be and the husband feels just as guilty as I do. But there are a lot of mutual friends who now think I am evil. How do I react to the blame games? Do I have a right to be upset with the friend who found out by snooping and then told another friend who promised to keep it quiet but who then told the wife with no warning to me or her husband? Or should I hang my head in shame and agree that I am a fucking bitch?

The Backstabbing Homewrecker

My response after the jump...

·················

Ugh, what a mess.

But if your version of events comes close to the truth—they were separating when you met, you only fucked this guy twice, your friendship with the wife didn't take off until after those fateful fucks—I don't think you need to quietly accept a scarlet "fucking bitch" label.

You and your friend's husband did something that was as stupid and selfish as it is commonplace—sadly commonplace—and you didn't come clean at the time because 1. you couldn't find the words, 2. the affair wasn't ongoing, and 3. you didn't want to cause anyone, yourself included, any unnecessary pain. So give yourself a break.

Don't get me wrong: fucking another woman's husband is a POS thing to do, marriage coming apart or not, so you're gonna have to take some lumps. But you're not a bitch and you don't have to your head in shame perpetually. And to get revenge on your "mutual friends"—that claque of snoopers and blabbermouths—offer a sincere apology to your friend, make amends when and where you can, and get to work on salvaging your friendship. It doesn't sound like she wants you out of her life ("The wife is as okay with me as she can be..."), THB, and nothing will shut the slut-shamers like seeing you two out drinking and talking again.

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