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Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Mar 7, 2012 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Walked in this place, surprised to see—a big girl gettin' busy, just rockin' to the go-go beat. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Super Tuesday? Not so super for Mittens Romulan, who baaaaaarely squeaks by Santorum for a victory in Ohio... but is it really a victory when you know not even half of your party supports you?

Santorum's peeps are calling for Newt Swingrich to leave the race. The rest of us are begging him to stay in, and keep spending conservatives' money.

Meanwhile President Obama scolds the hillbillies in Congress who want to, and I quote, "git our squirrel rifles and blast them gol'durn Iranians back to the stone age, yeeeee-haw." Unquote.

A sizable 216,000 new private sector jobs were created in February, which is good news for people who want their fries served to them a bit faster.

Stay tuned for today's announcement about the new iPad which is rumored to have better speed, higher resolution, and 37% nastier porn.

Scientists may have discovered the elusive "Higgs Boson" also incorrectly known as the "God Particle." (Because Higgs actually exists, and God doesn't. Science is a bit of a stickler for facts.)

Today in "Whoops": "Parents Forget Child, 3, at Chuck E Cheese, Find Out on Evening News."

Today in "Awwwesome": "Knife-wielding kite surfer defeats Red Sea sharks." (Dibs on the movie rights!)

Today in "HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!": "Photographers mistake 66-year-old Debbie Harry for Lindsay Lohan."

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Gorgeous today, and especially tomorrow when the temps will hit a balmy 62 degrees! Get ya thong on!

And finally, here's your dystopian future, Portland: ROBOT STRIPPERS! (The good news is that you tip them with squirts of WD-40.)

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