Woot! Woot! It's time again for The Walking Dead Chitty-Chat Club, and I do believe I'm going to have to eat a substantial amount of poo for all the crap-talking I've been doing about this show over the season. Because last night's episode was a skull-splitting humdinger! Want to see me eat poo? Hit the jump for my spoilerific thoughts! LET'S GET WALKIN'!
Here are my thoughts!
1) OKAY, FINE, YOU WERE RIGHT, I WAS WRONG, WHATEVER!!! (Chomp, chomp, chomp. That's me eating poo.) You told me this whole extended farm thing was going to result in something great, and I said, "Gahhh! You am so dumb." As it turns out, I am so dumb—though I'm sorry, that first half of the season was sooooo BOOOOORING. Back to eating poo. (Chomp. Chomp. Chomp.)
2) The episode opens with a eulogy to honor the humanity-seeking zombie-chomped Dale—which is intercut with Shane, T-Dog, and Blondie McGunnerson sticking pitchforks through the heads of walkers. HEY. Everybody grieves in their own way.
3) Well, well, well! So Farmer Vet is finally going to let the gang camp inside his house? Just remember, Grampy Vet—house guests, like fish, begin to stink after three days.
4) Lori blah, blah, Shane, blah, blah... can we kill Jersey Boy already? NOPE, because Rick wants to drop him off an hour outside of town, which was a dumb idea in the first place, is a dumb idea now, but frankly, I'm bored and don't care anymore. JUST DO IT ALREADY!!
5) Lil' Paleface Carl admits to Shane he stole a gun and fears he caused the death of Dale (WHICH HE DID), which inspires Shane to guilt-trip Rick. In a heart-to-heart talk with his son, Rick once again adopts his new mantra ("Oh, fuck it.") and gives Lil' Paleface the gun. (This is unnerving. Maybe start him off with a Red Ryder pump action BB gun instead? "You'll shoot your eye out, kid!!")
6) Shane cooks up a plan to deal with Jersey Boy: Go into the barn, slap himself on the head like Curly from the Three Stooges, and then try to trick him into thinking that both of them are gonna run off together and live happily ever after with Jersey Boy's former rapey gang. Unfortunately, all Jersey Boy gets for his trouble is a neck snap, while Shane gets his ass whipped by a tree. (You had to be there.)
7) Shane loses the Emmy when he runs back to the gang screaming about how Jersey Boy jumped him and escaped. No one believes it for a second, because it's the stupidest thing anyone has ever heard ever. AND YET? Off they go into the woods to search for Jersey Boy, where Shane plans on finishing the job of killing Rick. (I'm starting to think maybe Shane didn't think this through.)
8) No-longer-racisty redneck Darryl and Emo Glenn stumble upon and kill a newly zombified Jersey Boy (that'll teach you to try and negotiate your contract). But wait!! How did he get zombified so fast??? HOW'D THAT HAPPEN??
9) Sure enough, almost-as-dumb Rick figures out super dumb Shane's super dumb plan, and because Shane is so super dumb he falls for Rick's almost-as-dumb trick and gets knifed in the tum-tum. (Let's all pitchfork a zombie in the head to honor his memory.) And oh, hello Lil' Paleface Carl! SHOULDN'T SOMEONE BE WATCHING YOU? LIKE... EVER??? However, we'll allow it this time since you use your new Christmas toy to blow newly zombified Shane's head off, and… wait. HOW'D THAT HAPPEN??
10) Rick: "I'd hug you, son, if we weren't suddenly surrounded by zombies and everyone back at the farm weren't about to get eaten alive. You know... I'm thinking maybe Blondie McGunnerson was right. Maybe I shouldn't leave the farm so much! Oh, well. Pass the pitchfork."
11) Next week—the slam-bang season finale! But I wanna hear from you: What's this new development with instant zombification? I remember Shane and Rick foreshadowing this incident with their "Hey, these two zombie cops don't have any bites or scratches on 'em" discussion. Is the zombie disease now airborne or something? Is this why Farmer Vet's random daughter went nuts and try to kill herself? Is this why Shane did his Three Stooges impression in the barn? Is everyone infected? And what if Emo Glenn runs out of condoms??
12) Oh, and here's an interview with Walking Dead showrunner Robert Kirkman who talks about last night's ep, and hints at what's going down on next week's finale! My prediction? WE'RE FINALLY GETTING OFF THE FARM! YEEEEE-HAW!!
UPDATE: Here's an extremely awkward sneaky peek scene from the season finale. (Note to self: Yell "Here come some zombies!" the next time I'm trying to extricate myself from a difficult convo.)