This Week in the Mercury


Monday, March 19, 2012

The Walking Dead Chitty-Chat Club: Season Finale!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Mar 19, 2012 at 10:44 AM

It's the season finale of The Walking Dead Chitty-Chat Club—so if you only read one Chitty-Chat Club this season, make it this one! Actually, last week's was probably better, and even that wasn't my best work... but as some have said, even my shit is not without it's redeeming qualities. ANYWAY! My spoiler-ific thoughts of last night's slam bang season ender is after the jump, so... LET'S GET WALKIN' AND TALKIN'!

Rick cut himself shaving again.

Here's what I'm thinking:

1) The episode starts with the Atlanta zombies in a state of existential decay: There's nothing to eat, the club scene is not what it used to be, and everyone is looking for a change. Suddenly a helicopter swoops overhead delivering a clear message and direction: "HEY! There's some assholes over at Farmer Drunky McVet's place! Who wants to go eat 'em??" Simultaneously shrugging, the zombies are like, "Sure, whatever."

2) Cut to scream, scream, SCREAM!! Rick and Lil' Paleface are dashing through the field trying to cut through the zombie parade. Farmer McDrunky vows to go down with the farm. And surprise! Lori once again can't find Carl—BECAUSE SHE'S A TERRIBLE MOTHER.

3) Rick hatches a quick plan to burn down the barn with the zombies in it, and for the second time within an hour, Li'l Paleface helps out and actually does something right (the first was killing Zombie Shane). Note: THIS DOES NOT EXCUSE HIM FOR KILLING DALE.

4) Yeeeehaw! Everybody jumps in the cars and starts cuttin' cookies and killing zombies. (This reminds me so much of high school!) Unfortunately for Jimmy and Patricia they are devoured by the walkers. In a related story: Who the fuck are Jimmy and Patricia?? R.I.P. camper van. I'll pour one out for you, my homie.

5) Not-so-racisty Daryl picks up Sophie's mom (bad choice) and rides away on his not-practical, but cool bitchin' chopper. Blondie McGunnerson is left behind—and okay, fine. I almost feel sorry for her!

6) Dear Asian Glenn: I know you love her, but Maggie is crazy and a terrible driver.

7) After a few tense moments on the highway, the gang is happily reunited with Rick, Li'l Paleface, and Farmer McDrunky. And you know everything's gonna be okay when Not-So-Racisty Daryl makes a racist Asian joke about Glenn! We missed you, you old racist!

8) The most terrible mother of the year (Lori) learns that Rick killed Shane—and she has the GODDAMN NERVE to be pissed about it?? SHE PRACTICALLY WILLED THIS MURDER INTO EXISTENCE. And shut the fuck up, Li'l Paleface. Nobody gives two shits what you think. YOU KILLED DALE.

9) Everybody's all "wah-wah" we don't have any gas, and "wah-wah" Rick is a terrible leader, and "wah-wah....what?" Rick's going to dump us and let the zombies eat our faces off if we don't stop crying like a bunch of goddamn tubby babies? Oh. In that case: ALL HAIL THE NEW RICKTATORSHIP!

10) Back to Blondie McGunnerson! Out of bullets, and exhausted from smashing zombies' skulls in, Blondie is about to join Shane in Walker Heaven (where they will surely bone unimpeded) when she's suddenly rescued! Ummm.... by a lady in a hooded robe dragging two chained up zombies and swinging a samurai sword? (Sometimes this show is just too realistic.)

11) Rick vows to find the gang a safe place to live, because c'mon. There's just gotta be someplace that has 1) super great security, 2) a pretty decent back stock of food, and 3) maybe some guns stored away somewhere, right? Right? (Slow pan up to the maximum security prison that's hidden behind a clump of trees maybe 300 yards away. Cue sad trombone sound!)

12) OKAY! Something for you guys to answer for me: Was that a natural mass zombie migration, or did that helicopter have something to do with it? Is everybody really infected with the zombie virus? And with the appearance of our hooded samurai savior and the prison, do you think we're back on track with the comic books? (I haven't read them all, so not too much spoiling, please!) THANKS FOR JOINING ME THIS SEASON, GUYS! Though the first part of season two was TERRIBLE, they sure ended it with a bang. Now. WHO'S UP FOR A WEEKLY NEW GIRL RECAP? Guys? ...Guys?

Just another Saturday night at Claim Jumper.

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