Picture Sylvester and Tweety Bird. Now picture them married. Now picture Sylvester abusing Tweety Bird by strapping him to a machine from one of the Saw movies and force-feeding him worms. Now picture Tweety Bird with Stockholm syndrome. Now picture Tweety Bird birthing a big golden rock out of his trachea for some reason. That was last night’s episode of Grimm.

A few Portland locations jumped out- The Inn at Northrup Station, and the Food Front Co-Op featured prominently, and Kenny and Zuke’s Sandwichworks was in the background of an exterior shot. The episode closed with a big, product placement-esque shot of the Brasserie Montmartre, whose distinctive neon sign will now probably prompt a few tourists to say “Hey, look! That place was in Grimm!” The episode itself, though, was less than awesome.

More after the jump.

A topic as emotionally grueling as domestic abuse is way, way too big for Grimm’s tiny britches. As such, last night’s episode about a cat-man abusing a bird-lady fell flat. Nick and Juliette went on vacation and stumbled upon a spousal abuse situation. The husband turned out to be a furry rapist, and the wife a bird creature that, for whatever reason, grows golden rocks in her throat when fed a certain diet. The cat-man frequently strapped her down to a torture-porn machine and force-fed her a nasty looking mixture of worms and unappetizing looking white stuff to get her to grow throat-gold. I know that last sentence made no sense, but neither did the situation in the episode.

It all went down like you’d expect- Juliette had a desultory conversation with the abused wife, Nick intervened and cut the painful rock out of the bird-lady’s throat, and the bad guys got arrested. At the climax of the show, the golden rock that had been gestating inside the bird-lady ended up shattering into pieces, prompting the cat-man to scream “NOOO!” in slow motion, because the shattering supposedly made it worthless. Yes, there’s nothing more worthless than lots of little pieces of gold.

The secondary story was all about Hank being obsessed with the blonde lawyer-beastie. It didn't go anywhere, and just underscored how awkward it is that Hank has no idea what the show is about. He's nearly as clueless as Juliette, and that's a problem the show needs to deal with. It also appears that Monroe has a foxy new girlfriend who is literally a fox, and they have taken over the herb shop. Monroe and Rosalee (the fox lady) seem to have a good rapport together (way more so than Nick and Juliette), and if the show become more of an ensemble affair rather than just The Adventures of Haircut McBoringpants, that will please me greatly.

Oh yeah- Nick also proposed to Juliette, but she said no because blah, blah, blah, let’s artificially create drama. But anyway...

Grimm, after sixteen episodes, has failed to launch. It’s had various moments that suggest semi-potential, and brief flashes of adequacy. I hope it gets better. I really do. Failing that, I hope that Grimm muddles along, bobbing about interminably in that sea of televisionary Purgatory occupied by Bones, NCIS, and Smallville- not execrable, yet wholly uninspiring. Unloved but uncancelled, unliked but not unwatched.

May you pump steady stream of cash money into the local economy, Grimm. May you employ local actors in bit parts, rent unused spaces from local landlords, and generally contribute to Portland’s semi-fame. May you succeed by consistently just missing total failure. May you walk the road of perpetual competence, Grimm, and may you elude cancellation just as skillfully as you’ve eluded emotional depth. Good luck, Grimm. Good luck.

I, though, have better things to do with my time- like recap Game of Thrones, a show that people actually care about. See you guys on Monday.