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Tuesday, April 17, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Coming To Blows

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Apr 17, 2012 at 10:29 AM

I'm a college freshman and I saw your new show on MTV last week. It made me think you might be a good person to ask about a current dilemma.

In high school I developed a friends with benefits kind of situation with a good friend of mine. I'm gay and I would blow him and he is "straight" and would jack me off. (I put "straight" in quotes because I think he's probably bi and just isn't able to admit it.) So I was blowing him for most of senior year and then the summer after. We went to separate schools. I visited him twice last semester and both times I gave him head. He has invited me to come back to visit later this month, but apparently he told two friends in his dorm about our FWB situation. Now he wants to know if I am willing to blow them too while I am there. I'll admit the cocklover in me nearly creamed my pants, but then I thought about how it's kind of shitty to treat a friend like a cum dump. Is his request way out of line? The last time I visited I kind of got the impression he was treating me a bit differently. He was less friendly than normal and I probably blew him twice as much as normal. I don't want our friendship to become all about blowjobs. How do I turn this around?

Thanks,

Cocksucking Other College Kids

P.S. I know you can't get to every letter, but I thought I would send my letter one more time. I have to get my ticket this week if I'm going to go and visit my friend.

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Your letter sounds like the start of a porn story, COCK, and if I use it people are gonna to scream "fake!" in the comments. But there are times when life imitates porn, so...

If spending a weekend serving as a come dump for three "straight" college guys turns you on, COCK, and if you can do this without allowing yourself to feel degraded—which is possible even if part of the turn for you is the degradation inherent in this scenario and even if the "straight" boys you're servicing attempt to degrade you while you're servicing them (and they probably will, COCK, as doing so will help them draw a line between who you are and what you're doing (you're the cocksucking faggot who's sucking their cocks) and who they are and what they're doing (they're STRAIGHT but, hey, a mouth's a mouth, bro!))—then you might want to do it. You only live once and this could be a pretty hot experience and the invite nearly had you creaming in your pants.

But.

Can you do this—can you allow yourself to be used like this—without your self-esteem getting battered along with your throat? Trust me: the straight boys will be drawing a clear line between who they are (straight) and who you are (fag); can you draw as clear a line between what you're doing (servicing your old friend and your old friend's new friends) and the person you know yourself to be (a together, intelligent guy who isn't ashamed to be gay)? Can you maintain your sense of self worth even as these boys are assaulting it—and your throat—with their dicks and their attitudes?

Another potential wrench: it seems like your friendship with your old friend is on the wane; it may be coming to an end. Does that change how you feel about servicing him and his friends for a weekend? The blowjobs you gave him—at least where you were concerned—came from a place of affection and true friendship. If it becomes clear to you over the weekend that your old friend has come to see you as not much more than a convenient opportunity for some enthusiastic head, COCK, will that change how you feel about servicing him and his friends for a weekend?

And here's an important question: Will you be physically safe in the presence of these other guys? Being used is one thing (and it can be a hot thing), and lots of people are turned on by the idea, and lots of people safely and successfully explore their fantasies about being used. But you don't want to be used and abused. And while you know how your old friend reacts to getting a blowjob from a dude—he's fine with it—you don't know how his friends will react. Some straight guys tell themselves, "Hey, a mouth is a mouth, bro!", COCK, and then have a breakdown/identity crisis immediately after they blow a load in a dude's throat. Some react violently. So what assurances have you been given by your old friend about his new friends?

I guess I have more questions for you than answers, COCK. Let me know what you decide to do. I'll be curious, as will everyone who reads your letter (including those who doubt it's true).— Dan


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I was already leaning toward saying no to the two friends for the very reasons you put in your letter. The scenario sounds hot (and admittedly porno-like), but in reality I don't think it's something I would be comfortable with when all is said and done. I started the FWB relationship in part because there was already a friendship there and sense of mutual caring, even if I knew it wasn't going to become anything more than what it was.

I guess I will just have a conversation with my friend tomorrow. I figure I've got nothing to lose from being honest. I'll just tell him that I'm not interested in his friends, and that if our friendship is becoming just about the sex, then I'm not sure I'll be blowing him anymore either. I really don't want to lose him as a friend, though. Maybe we shouldn't have complicated it with blowjobs, but I believe that straight guys and gay guys can have real friendships and he and I were close before any of this began. He's too important to me as a friend to just let go. Hopefully it all works out.

I appreciate your advice. I'll let you know how that conversation goes.—COCK

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