Barack Obama's campaign staffers are nervous. Many of the generously rich people who financed his 2008 run to the White House are, shall we say, holding back in 2012. So now Obama's begging the people who are giving him money to give even more. Also, yeah, all of us little people, too. BECAUSE ISN'T GEORGE CLOONEY SO MOTHER-F*%$ING DREAMY?

Willard Romney might find himself swimming in a vault filled with SuperPAC cash, yes. But all that dirty money might go for naught because, it seems, every state in the union seems determined to crowd the November ballot with a bunch of medieval ballot measures preoccupied with sex and penises and vaginas.

Jeb Bush, George W. Bush's smarter older brother, says he'd consider being Willard Romney's vice president. And then, when the CIA kills Romney, Jeb can finish Romney's term and take on Hillary Clinton in 2016 with all the perquisites of incumbency.

The Secret Service sex scandal has cost three more agents their jobs, and now includes members of the military. Investigators now want to "interview" some of the 21 women involved.

The United Nations approved sending hundreds more "monitors" to "monitor" Syria's "cease-fire."

Beijing really hated it this week when the United States hooked up with the Philippines—right across the sea from China, a sea that's been the subject of international tension—to practice storming beaches.

Los Angeles coroner Craig Harvey confirms that Andrew Breitbart wasn't murdered by neo-liberal fascists tattooed with Barack Obama's likeness. Or does he?

Your personal computer might be infected with a bug that will turn off the internet on July 9. I'm proud of you.

Mike Tyson, in jail for rape 20 years ago, made a fetus with a prison guard. "Oh yeah. In prison, stuff happens," he said. "But she had no baby."

A Canadian morning show was interrupted by three minutes of hard-core pornography. Naturally, everyone's blaming it on a "botched repair job."

Some people are like some shellfish.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE NICE OUTSIDE TODAY. COOK BRATS. COOK CHOPS. (BUT) YOUR HEAT SHOULDN'T BE TOO HOT.