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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Apr 25, 2012 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! No time to think about what to tell them, no time to think about what she's done, and LET'S GO TO PRESS!

Things get increasingly ugly for Rupert Murdoch, who is now accused of playing footsie with high ranking Brit officials to further his corporate empire. I wish they were literally playing footsie. Not enough actual footsie-playing going on in this world.

Newt Gingrich is finally, FINALLY seeing the writing on the wall, and is almost ready to get out of the race for president. (BTW, the "writing on the wall" says, "We hate you, Newt.")

The Supreme Court is considering ruling on whether or not Arizona's racist immigration laws are as racist as everyone with a brain knows it is.

Two more Secret Service members resign over Hookergate, while Republicans shockingly try to do something... anything... to involve the Obama staff in the scandal.

A former aide to John Edwards admits under oath that he helped cover up the senator's affair, and also accused him of calling his mistress, "a crazy slut." OUCH.

99 Percent protesters (an offshoot of Occupy) interrupts the annual GE meeting—and NOT to demand that NBC renews Community.

Apple's shares jump a whopping 10% this morning thanks to boffo sales, nearly doubling its last quarter's profits. In a related story, I ran out of cereal this morning, so I ate a slice of American cheese for breakfast.

According to scientists, "mysterious objects" are punching holes in one of Saturn's rings. Somehow... Apple is involved in this. I'm sure of it.

Remember "Mad Cow Disease?" It's baaaaaaaaaaaack. (Or rather, "there's mooooooooore.")

Dear our single reader in Gresham: Teachers in your school district are on strike!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Expect rain this afternoon and tonight with cooling temps—BUT! A sunnier weekend starting later Saturday.

And finally, President Obama and Jimmy Fallon slow jam the news. It is, just as you suspect, fan-fucking-tastic.

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